Stage 17 - Love & Lust

Love & Lust

Before I begin my entry this week, I want to look at the definition of the following words: lust & love.

Lust

Oxford dictionary: ‘strong sexual desire’.

Urban dictionary: ‘often confused with love, it is purely physical attraction and has no lasting effect.’

Love

Oxford dictionary: ‘a strong feeling of affection’.

Urban dictionary: ‘the most spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.’

We are now 33 weeks into this year and I’m now starting to see certain things about dating and relationships. I’ve always believed that the best way to start a relationship is to have strong feelings for the person you are entering the relationship with and there should be butterflies in your stomach and you should always be filled with glee when you think about the other person. I was quite young when this idea entered my head. From what I remember I got it mainly from the media. Films, music videos, books, adverts and I always assumed that most relationships started this way. To be honest I didn’t think much about what it took to keep the romance going in a relationship and I didn’t realise until the past few years that romance and love are choices that people who experience it make. They are not God given rights. It doesn’t just happen automatically like lust. It takes time and conscious effort.

In the past few months I’ve listened to several videos and read a number of books and blogs, which I believe have really opened my eyes and heart to what love is. The verb ‘give’ in essence is the main signifier of love. When I first heard someone talking about how love is not about what you get from the other person, and those in relationships for what it offers them are simply in a contract and they’ve agreed with their spouse to do something in return for something else and are simply fulfilling the terms of the contract and not in love; I realised for the first time that my internal definition of love has been wrong all these years. Love is not selfish or self gratifying. I literally had a light bulb moment. It’s not that I haven’t come across this new definition of love (new to my spirit) before because I have. I listened to Destiny Child’s song, outro (thank you), where Michelle explains the characteristics of love. At the time, I didn’t see love as something I had control over. I thought it just happened naturally. I didn’t realise that I have to actively show love. I thought whoever I end up with will just love me for me without me making much effort.  

I think I’ve subconsciously subscribed to the love at first sight theory without realising it, because whenever I go on a date with a guy I never focus on what I should really be looking for in a potential life partner. I always hope to meet the guy and really like him to the point that I’d want to think about him all the time. Not until after watching the vlog: Dating and courtship - do you understand the real purpose of dating? did I realise what I should have been asking myself whilst dating.  This whole time I’ve been focused on my list which was more concerned with my wants. Not once did I ask myself whether I have or could develop genuine admiration and respect for any of these guys. Even the ones I liked, looking back now I can’t say I admired them. I was just on an emotional high (lust) and once the high cleared off I didn’t really have the respect that I have for some of my male friends for these guys. If things had gone my way whilst I was on an emotional high I would have probably found myself in a relationship and months later realised that I don’t even like the guy because I don’t admire who he is and how he chooses to live his life. Not to talk of wanting to love him. 

As much as that vlog has revolutionised my thinking of what to look for in a potential partner I can’t say that I will be giving up my list just yet. I now subscribe to the definition of love being about giving and it’s a choice that people make. But before I can give my all to a guy and choose to love him whole heartedly and unconditionally, I still need him to meet a certain standard. I’m not saying that if over time he loses some of the attributes on my list I will stop loving him, I’m just saying to begin with I need him to have certain qualities that I believe will make me respect him before developing long lasting respect and admiration for him. This is not to say that I don’t respect guys who don’t meet my criteria. I will have the type of life that I want by meeting a guy who meets my criteria and when we make a choice in life we take a number things into consideration and don’t blindly decide to do things and then deal with the consequences. My criteria is one of the things I will consider before choosing to love a guy. I may compromise on some things but not on some. For example I want a guy who is ambitious. Not completely for my sake but for his too. When you are ambitious you see possibilities and you ooze positivity, more so than those who lack ambition and people who have a positive approach to life tend to have happier lives. 

I realise that this love that I’m talking about is not going to be a walk in the park to fulfil but if I diligently focus on finding a guy who meets my criteria and is highly respectable and admirable in my eyes I’m sure I could develop love for him over time, even if I don’t have the intense rush of emotions at the start. The definitions of love above don’t mention attraction as a component to love. They mentioned affection and euphoric feeling but neither of these words translates to attraction.

Readers do you agree with my new understanding of love or do you think this way of thinking is unrealistic and if attraction is not there from the start it may never come? Should love be about attraction?

Thanks for reading My dating year – Stage 17.

Stage 16

Rational or irrational?

I would like to start this entry by saying: it feels so nice not to have to go on so many dates anymore!!!!!!   Going on dates is also more enjoyable now. I went on a date over a week ago with a guy I met whilst walking home from a friend’s graduation party. We didn’t really do anything exciting but it was a nice date. We just grabbed a bite from a kebab shop, went to a very nice bar after and then he let me drive his Mercedes.  We also conveniently went to Asda, where I bought packs of bottled water before he dropped me home. Even though my past dates haven’t been terrifying I felt very relaxed on this date. Everything seemed to have happened naturally. I didn’t have to initiate the date as I did in the past or purposely influence him to ask me on a date by showing a little more interest than I actually had in him; nor did I say or do the things I knew he liked more for a desired effect.

I can’t say I was mesmerized by him when he stopped me. I even gave him the name I give to guys that I have no interest in when he asked for my name. I was ready to give him the second line: ‘I have a boyfriend’ too but decided against doing so after hearing him speak. He spoke and came across quite well. Since our date we’ve stayed in touch and he is making the effort to gain something out of meeting me. I’m just not sure what and I don’t see us going any further than just being friends.  This is where I pause to ask myself why? In my phone I have a picture of written words, stating: ‘I’M SINGLE UNTIL I FIND MY KIND, MATURE, CLEAN, RESPECTFUL, DIY, VERY AMBITIOUS, TALL, BETWEEN 27-35YR OLD, WELL PAID, GOD FEARING MAN’. From what I know about this guy I don’t think he is far from this description but yet I’m not convinced I can have a relationship with him.

Relationship Matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson would probably describe my idea of my perfect guy, based on what I’ve highlighted in the picture as somewhere between the shopping and investment mentality. He describes the shopping mentality as a focus on characteristics and the utility benefits of having a partner in one’s life. For example I want the guy who I plan to get with to be able to fix things around my house. The investment mentality on the other hand is to look at a potential partner’s values, their vision and to consider if they are in line with one’s own values and vision; does the person bring out the best in you and do they speak the same love language as you?  I believe my list is very much value focused, so much so that when I received: ‘I was gonna come pass yours and chill for a bit but if you are too busy another time’ from this new guy, I lowered my eyebrows because I don’t think it’s respectful to suggest coming to my home when we’ve only met up once.

Since I started this challenge in January I didn’t until now think properly about the next stage after dating. It’s almost as if I’ve been in this bubble, where I expect guys to treat me as a princess by taking me out to nice places and looking their best and saying all the right things and never ever looking at me as a piece of meat. I hate when guys look at me like that. Looking back on all my dates, I’ve not once thought of inviting a guy back home with me and whenever guys have asked or merely insinuated that they want to come to my house I’ve either been real irritated and figured out a way to get out of letting the guy into my home or I’ve been really defensive. I even had a full on argument with one guy on WhatsApp over this. I didn’t realise then that it isn’t irrational for a guy to expect to come to my house when he knows I have my own place. I just thought the guy I argued with was a dirty prick and I didn’t understand why he would think it’s ok to suggest coming back to my house after a date.

Now that this new guy has sent me that message, I find myself looking for a way to avoid ever inviting him to my house. On my way back from work sometime this week it dawned on me that there might be something wrong with me. I automatically assume that guys want sex when they ask if they can come to my house. Even though I may be wrong in thinking so, there are so many reasons why I may also be right. According to Steve Harvey, author of Act like a lady, think like a man, men are always calculating whether they can afford a lady, even before they step to her. They go as far as assessing the cost of transportation and every other cost they may incur in order to have sex with her. If they feel the cost of attaining sex from one particular lady is too much, they won’t bother. They’ll find another lady who they can sleep with more easily without having to dig into their savings.  As I have my own place, I can’t help but think some guys will try to exploit me for this reason. It’s cheaper for them to come to my house and chill than take me out as frequently as I would like to go out. I’m especially irritated when they ask right from the get go if I live with my parents or alone.  

When the guys I’ve been on dates with this year have asked to come to my house I’ve nearly always demonised them in my head.  I’ve been single for a while now and the last time I was in a relationship I was 20 years old. I thought differently to how I think now. I’ve experienced things and seen things which have made me less naive in some regards.  I feel like I now have a much better understanding of what it means to be in a relationship and I feel like when I get into one I’m going to give a lot more than I did in the past. So the idea of bringing a guy who I don’t see a future with into my house scares me and almost makes me short of breath. I almost feel like I’m putting my life on the line if I invite such a guy into my home.

Time will tell if I will react the same way when a guy who I’m very interested in asks the dreaded question.

Thanks for visiting My dating year – stage 16.

As always please leave comments and questions below and I’ll endeavour to reply as soon as possible.

Change of direction!

My dating year

Change of direction!

If you read my last blog you may be curious to find out what the new era that I mentioned is all about. If you didn’t keep reading you may take away something that you didn’t expect to find and besides you are already on my page so you might as well continue reading.

The big reason for the change as I mentioned is that I’m tired of just dating to blog and I want to meet someone. I want a relationship. I want to build a future with someone. I want to be someone’s reason for getting up when most things seem bleak. I want someone who will make me want to rush home after work to cook him something nice and present the food in the most immaculate way I can think of. He probably won’t care how presentable the food looks but I want to go out of my way because the guy motivates me to be my best and in being my best I have to give him the best I can.

I certainly hope that some of my readers got something out of my blogs and what I now call the old era; whether it’s educational or entertaining. It definitely made my day to hear 2 separate guys who don’t know each other say they are learning from my blogs. I can tick one of my core reasons for starting My dating year. Thanks guys for voicing the appreciation. You know who you are.

Aside from wanting to meet someone, I got to a point of frustration with this challenge and blogging. I didn’t feel I was really giving my readers as much as I promised I was going to give in terms of opening up about how I feel about each situation. There’s only so much you can learn about a person from a first date. As that’s all I was going on and the occasional second dates I didn’t really feel I was experiencing enough to help others who aren’t as experienced when it comes to dating. I was finding out important things about most of the guys after the dates but I didn’t report these details because I didn’t initially want to focus on the aftermaths of my dates. I don’t think it’s right that I have kept you readers out of the loop as some of you might have gained more from the after events than the actual dates. The format of my blog didn’t allow me to provide continuous updates, sorry.

I felt like my blog was losing purpose. I had gone on enough first dates for anyone who is completely new to dating to learn from, especially guys. I communicated my frustration to a few friends and stumbled upon a very useful blog site called: Hooking Up Smart  out of boredom and decided to change the direction of my challenge after being inspired by some of the blogs I read on the site. I am redefining what My dating year means and making it more purposeful and even if you, readers of my blog site, don’t gain from the change I will at least walk away with a degree in “datingology”. It may not be a certified degree but I will certainly have the knowledge to hold on to.

In this process of change I have started evaluating myself and thankfully I have some people around me who aren’t afraid to tell me the truth about some of my not so attractive qualities, which can turn some guys off. I will use the next couple of blogs to explore some of these qualities that I’m working on changing and I will also examine some of the characteristics that men don’t like about women and vice versa. I have bought some books and already done one poll and watched some videos on dating and relationships in order to learn more and bag myself the kind of man who is really for me, based on who I am and what I want out of life.

From now on I will blog about the process of finding someone special. I will still go on dates and talk about the dates but not so much in isolation. I will compare some of the guys and only go on dates with guys that I can see myself with and not just say yes or initiate dates with guys who I have no interest in as I did in the previous era. There may be weeks where I won’t go on dates but I will still put myself out there and write about how the search is coming along and the new theories and ideas that I have decided to subscribe to and how I’m finding them. If I’m lucky enough to find a guy who I’m really interested in and vice versa and decide to see him only I will continue to blog about the relationship until the end of 2012. Realistically speaking I don’t think I’ll be finding a guy to settle down with any time soon because I don’t think I have fully transitioned from the shopping to the investment mentality when it comes to dating as Paul Carrick Brunson, a relationship matchmaker puts it. I will exemplify this theory in my next entry.

The plan is to keep the same format as the last era, so I will continue to post new entries every two weeks but my next entry will be next week as it’s the second week after date 15. Instead of titling the blogs as “date...” they will now begin as “stage...(following from the last number I had” so the next entry will be titled: “stage 16” as I believe I’m on a journey. My idea of dating is about to change.  

I carried out a poll called: ‘How I met my partner’; which 57 people filled in, 57.4% of whom were in a relationship and the other 42.6% were single. I found out that when it comes to meeting someone to have a committed relationship with most people in a relationship tend to meet their partners at family/friends parties/gathering. Even the single people who actively go out to find a partner voted family/friends parties/gathering joint first with church as the place where they go to to find a potential partner. Interestingly online dating site and school/college/university were voted joint second place as the location where those in relationships found their partners and professional events was voted second by the singletons.

I did this survey so I can increase my chances of finding a partner by simply going to the same places where those in relationships said they attended to find their partners. As they say, there’s no point in reinventing the wheel. I may not meet the guy I’ll settle down with in the top voted places but I am willing to give it a try by attending more family and friends events. I’m not happy that online dating was voted quite highly because I’ve already done that and got the t-shirt and it’s not my preferred method but I’ll give it another try. I gained some insightful information which I will refer to over the course of this journey.

I want to apologise for not going on a second date with Curtis before changing direction. I have not ruled out a second date with him but because it’s been so long since our last date I don’t think either of us feel anything for each other so if I go on a second date with him it will be more to honour the vote that some of you made.

I hope you all follow me in this new journey and I hope it’s more useful than the previous era. Please leave me a comment below to let me know of your thoughts on my change of direction.

Thanks for reading My dating year – Change of direction!

Date 15 – Isaiah

Welcome to date 15 of 26

Guy Profile

Name: Isaiah
Age: 23
Height: 6.0
Occupation: Regional Trainer

How I met Isaiah

I met Isaiah through the same friend who introduced me to X (new readers please refer to date 4 to read about my encounter with X). When my friend first told me that he had another friend who was interested in going on a date with me, I think I said: ‘I’m not really interested in your loserish friends, kmt’.

His response: ‘this friend is of a different level to you’.

My response: ‘what do you mean, a higher level or a lower level?’

His response: ‘A higher level of course.’

I was so offended. If I was a cartoon character you would see steams coming out of my ears. I tried to let the comment slide and not be affected by it and luckily for him the comment didn’t affect our friendship.

Weeks later I was in need of a date and I spoke to this same friend about my need. Whilst speaking, he called the friend of his that he claims to be on a different level to me but unluckily for me he was out of town. At this point I wasn’t really fazed by my friend’s comment, I just needed a date and I was more than happy to go on a date with the friend had he not been out of town. A week or more later I met Isaiah and my friend asked me what I thought of him. I responded with: ‘he’s alright’. What I really meant was: ‘I think I like what I see and yeah I would like to go on a date with him’. I didn’t want my friend to know that I felt that way because how dare he tell me that his friend is of a higher level than me, smh (shaking my head - to those of you who aren’t familiar with the abbreviation), kmt.

Another couple of weeks went by and I saw Isaiah again. This time I didn’t really pay much attention to him and I felt myself coming across as unfriendly because of that. For some reason the picture of me being unfriendly kept playing over in my head, so I asked my friend to apologise to him on my behalf for not being friendly. The feedback was: he wasn’t offended and he said it’s cool. The following day my friend sent me Isaiah’s number so I could arrange a date with him. I whatsApped him that very day but we didn’t arrange the date until about a week later.

The date

At 21:00 on a Saturday Isaiah whatsApped me to let me know that he was outside my house. I was impressed because I told him to pick me up at 21:00 and not to be late. I on the other hand wasn’t ready so I asked him to give me 10 minutes. About 15 minutes later we got in his car and he drove to the West End so we could find a restaurant to eat in. I insisted that we should go to Vapiano because the food is nice there. I wasn’t quite sure how to get there because I had only been there once before and my sense of direction is not usually very good. Although he was hesitant about us going to a place that neither of us knew how to get to I was able to convince him to trust my instinct and we got there without taking a wrong turn. Tap on my shoulder!

I recommended Carbonara to Isaiah and was going to get the same thing as I had that the last time I was at Vapiano but he said I shouldn’t, I should try something else so I got Scampi instead. Whilst eating and laughing etc I found myself mimicking his body language. I immediately tried to get myself out of the trance I was in because I personally think that is just too much of an indication that I like him. Don’t get me wrong – I want him to know that I like him but mimicking him shows that I really really like him. I don’t think he caught on though. At least I hope he didn’t.

After our meal we went to Tower Bridge because I mentioned that we should head that direction for a really nice bar called Abbey. Like Vapiano, I know where Abbey is, I have the image in my head but I don’t know how to get there. I forgot to tell Isaiah this before we got to Tower Bridge, so he just ended up parking on a side road so we could go to a place that we saw whilst coming off the bridge. When we got there the set-up by the entrance was the same as a club and we were told it’s £10 to get in. I was a bit confused so I asked one of the guys at the door if it was a bar or a club and he said it’s a club. I was ready to walk back out, but because Isaiah didn’t want to go back in the rain he said we should just go in so I paid for both of us.

When we got upstairs it was clearly a club but not just any club, it was one for middle age people. They were very welcoming and very willing to mingle but the music weren’t to our taste and it was far from what we had in mind. Isaiah bought us drinks so we could drink and talk but the music was just too loud for us to have a conversation. To make things more interesting Isaiah suggested that we should go to the bar and order drinks that we didn’t recognise. We ordered a drink that we weren’t sure whether to drink as a shot or a regular drink. Then Isaiah asked the bar man to be creative and make us something of his choice. He did but Isaiah didn’t like it. I thought it was ok. We went back down to where we previously sat and the alcohol started kicking in for me and I started behaving like someone who had had one too many. I tried to convince Isaiah to get up and dance with me but instead he said I sounded drunk and he was going to take me home. He got up to use the loo before we left. By the time he got back I was dancing with a lady who asked me to dance with her. He must have thought this girl is a nutter. As soon as I saw him I said goodbye to my dancing partner and he dropped me home. I got home at 2am.

I think the date was fun and even though it rained a lot I wouldn’t change anything about it.

That’s it for date 15 and an end to this era of just going on dates just so I can blog about them. I want someone special in my life now so make sure you check out my blog next weekend to find out what the new era is all about.

I want to thank all my loyal readers for your continuous interest in my challenge and thank you to everyone who’ve read my blog. I’m very happy with the 4,228 pageviews that I’ve had to date.

Thanks for reading My dating year – date 15.

Date 14 – Lazaro

Welcome to date 14 of 26

Guy Profile

Name: Lazaro

Age: 29
Height: 5.11
Occupation: Online Service team leader

How I met Lazaro

I met Lazaro on Plenty of fish.com (pof). He sent me what I thought was a sweet and sincere message. I had to reply. His response again was sincere, proving his first initial message wasn’t just a bait. We sent each other messages over a few weeks on the site before Lazaro sent me his number and asked me to drop him a line when I have the time. I sent him a text some days after and we texted each other every so often until we decided to meet up. As we work quite close to each other and in central London he suggested we should meet at Covent Garden station at 6.10pm on a Friday evening for coffee.

The date

I got to Covent Garden station quite early because I wanted to buy something from Marks & Spencer (M&S). I didn’t realise M&S was so close to the station so I was done within 5 minutes and had to wait in front of the station for about 25 minutes. At 6pm I received a message from Lazaro saying: ‘I actually made it a bit early and I’m here’. I looked around and I couldn’t see him so I sent him a message asking where and he responded with: ‘In front of you... on the other side of the road’. For some reason I felt like I was in a scary movie and someone was after me so I was a little scared. I nervously looked ahead of me and I found him and walked over to greet him.

The first thing he said to me was: ‘you don’t have three hands, why are you on pof? I have my own reason for being on there but you look perfectly normal.’ Although he was trying to be nice, that comment made me slightly worried. A part of me was dreading what he was going to say his reason was for joining pof because if the reason was really off putting I wouldn’t feel comfortable to continue and I would have to think of a very good reason to end the date. When we found a restaurant to eat in, he told me that he is on the site because he is a shy person. That was surprising to hear because he didn’t come across that way to me prior to the date and on the date, so a part of me did wonder if that was the real reason why he joined the site.

Whilst we were in the restaurant, Lazaro told me some really interesting things about himself and he seemed really smart and full of life. After our meal, we walked to Southbank but we didn’t stay for long because I wanted to end the date for no particular reason. I think he picked up on it too because he politely walked me to the bus stop.

He seemed like a really nice guy and I love the way he sees certain things. As he is also a photographer, who loves taking pictures and attending exhibitions his way of viewing everyday things and people is so different and refreshing. I wish a lot more people could see the world the way he does. He makes what most people would consider as insignificant or uncomfortable appear significant and comfortable.

He also had a slightly vulnerable but cute side to him which alone makes me feel I should treat him with utmost respect and courtesy. He said things like I tried not to send you too many messages because I didn’t want you to feel pestered. Interestingly prior to our date, some days beforehand he had sent me a message asking me how my day was and if I had done anything exciting. I mentioned that I had gone to church and bought some items for my car and I didn’t hear back from him for some days, so I jumped to the conclusion that he didn’t respond because I mentioned that I’m a Christian. I was disappointed that he would discriminate against me for that reason and I spoke to some friends about it and one of them suggested that I should text him. I quickly responded with: ‘no way, if he is going to stop talking to me because of my faith then he is not worth my time’. The curious side of me wanted to know if he did stop talking to me for that reason so I sent him a text, asking how his week had gone and to my surprise he responded and asked if I had any plans for the weekend and that’s when we made plans to meet up.

This experience has taught me that it’s not good to jump into conclusions and act stubborn when dating because such attitudes can cause you to ruin the chance of meeting amazing people. Had I not text Lazaro I may not have met up with him and even if he had tried to get in touch, I probably would have read his messages the wrong way and found unintended meanings in them because I believed at the time that he had a problem with my faith.

To conclude, I’m happy that I met up with Lazaro but I don’t fancy him so there wouldn’t be a second date. I would love to be his friend if he is happy to be friends with me because I love his outlook on the world and his intelligence.

That’s it for date 14.

Thanks for reading My dating year – date 14.

Date 13 - ?

Welcome to date 13 of 26

Guy Profile

Name: ?

Age: 28

Height: 6.2

Occupation: Carer  

How I met ?

I met ? on Plenty of fish.com (pof). He sent me a lazy message which I believed and he confirmed he sent to a number of girls in hope of receiving messages back from some. I don’t usually respond to people who can’t even be bothered to make some effort with the message that they send and I didn’t want to respond but I had a look at his profile and I liked what I saw. I was also curious to learn more about him because he sounded as though he was new in town, so I sent him a message asking him how long he’s been in London and as I thought he has only been here for 6 months.

In the third message that he sent me he included his contact details. I went for the option of adding him to my blackberry messenger (bbm) contact rather than whats App, so he won’t have my number until I was ready to give it to him. We communicated quite a lot over the first few days and I was really looking forward to meeting him. As this week was very busy for me at work we agreed to meet at the end of the week. The plan was to meet at Starbucks because he said he didn’t have much money at the moment because he’s trying to find his own place so he can move out of his cousin’s. Honestly I didn’t mind going to Starbucks because I felt as though I was starting to like him because he just seemed like such a nice match for me on paper so I was very understanding of his situation; as I am when I like a guy. I’m not so tolerant and understanding with guys that I don’t like.

A few days before we met, it started getting hard to get through to him. It didn’t take more than a day for him to respond to my messages but the conversation wasn’t flowing fluently anymore and even to set the time and actual location to meet felt like a chore rather than something exciting that both party wanted to participate in. When I messaged him last to finalise what we were doing, I felt like I was in that mood that some people get in when they have to do something with someone that’s pissing them off. The tone of my message, I felt was almost as though I was saying: here’s the details, it’s up to you when you read it just stop wasting my time, kmt.

The date

As you’ve probably already gathered there was no date. Mr ? messaged me a few hours before the assigned time of the date to say he had made other plans for that same time and I shouldn’t be angry with him and we should reschedule. I called him. His phone went to voicemail and I left a message and I haven’t received a reply. I pinged him. He saw my ping and changed his display picture on bbm and didn’t respond. I sent a final message saying ‘I take it you don’t want to meet anymore’. As far as I’m concerned I’ve done the best I can. I hate when people make me feel as though I’m bothering them. If not for my blog I wouldn’t have been as bothered to get in touch with him. I’m so pissed that he left it to the last minute. That doesn’t give me enough time to find a replacement date. What a time waster, KMTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I don’t really know this guy, I can’t really give him a piece of my mind and he also doesn’t know about my blog so he wouldn’t understand my aggressive reaction to him cancelling the date. Rationally, sometimes things happen and people have to cancel plans that they’ve made or in this dating situation he probably just didn’t like me; which is one of the expected possibilities. The irrational side of me that cares very much about my blog is not so understanding right now and it wishes I could give this guy a piece of my mind without sounding crazy. Unreliable people really piss me off. I’ve vented enough now and I’m going to continue my dating journey and not let this situation affect the dates to come.

That’s it for date 13.

Thanks for reading My dating year – date 13

  

Date 12 – John

Welcome to date 12 of 26

Guy Profile

Name: John

Age: 28

Height:  5.8½

Occupation: Store Operations

Location of date: Stratford, London

How I met John

My regular readers will know that I have been on a date with John in the past. New readers please refer to Date 2 to find out how I met John and how our first date went.

If you’ve read date 2 you may find it surprising to read of a second date with John. I am too. I had no intention of seeing him again. As for my blog, I wanted to keep second dates to an absolute minimum. My plan was to go a second date with Curtis to honour the vote that some of you made. I had even spoken to Curtis about meeting up with him this week. We just hadn’t set a date.

After date 2

Since the last date with John, we haven’t really kept in touch much. He tried to keep the communication going after the first date but I wasn’t responsive. He took the hint and stopped contacting me soon after. From time to time he would send me a message to check up on me but the messages have always been brief as I never encouraged him to take it further.

Initiation of the date

During the Queen’s Jubilee John sent me a message on blackberry messenger (bbm). He mentioned that he was bored and hated staying in. I suggested that he should go out with some friends and he said he didn’t want to go raving (clubbing – for those of you who aren’t familiar with the term raving), so I told him to go bowling. ‘Yeah, I should, that sounds like a great idea’ was the reply I was waiting to read or ‘I’m not sure, I don’t really like bowling’. Instead, he said: ‘ha ha ok let’s go bowling’. I looked at the message and I thought to myself: ‘don’t be hasty, think about this; what will I gain from saying no and what will I lose from saying yes’. He hadn’t asked me to marry him, he just asked me to go bowling with him. So my reply was ‘when?’

I thought I would regret my decision after but I didn’t. As ruthless as I think I come across through these blogs, I can’t help but like some of these guys as people. I wish it was easy to say I’m not really interested in you romantically but I would like to pursue a friendship with you. It would be great if the ones with kind hearts could consider me as a friend and genuinely treat me as one, without ever wanting anything more. I think the reason why I didn’t regret my decision was because I viewed John as an individual with good qualities and a potentially nice person to be around, as opposed to a guy who is taking me out because he wants to try and get into a relationship with me and will therefore display a persona that he thinks I’ll like, but very different from who he really is.

The date

I got to Stratford 5 minutes early and had to shop around whilst I waited for John. 15 minutes later the guy I didn’t think I’d see again walked towards me and gave me a hug, before introducing a couple to me as his friends. I was really happy to see the couple. I thought: ‘great more people to bowl’ because I think it’s quite weird for just 2 people to bowl. Unluckily for me they had their own plans; which was not bowling.

When we got to the place to bowl, we were told that there was a 45 minutes wait, so we went to the bar inside and waited. John asked me what I’d like to drink and I said strawberry daiquiri and chips on the side please. I was so hungry, I ate the chips and finished the drink before he could turn around and say: ‘how you doing?’ Being a gentleman, he asked me if I would like seconds and I said yes, but I was much slower this time round and he had to wait for me for about 5 minutes before we could go ahead and bowl.

At the beginning of the game John was quite bad at bowling and I was doing pretty good. By the third go, he had gotten the hang of it and he just kept on getting strike after strike. He was a good winner though, I must say. He didn’t show off at all, instead he tried to teach me to bowl in the same way as him, so I could get strikes too but the method just didn’t work for me. As it was just 2 of us playing, the game finished quickly and we left there to go to Nando’s because I didn’t like where he initially wanted us to eat. It was a dead pub that smelt stale.

I had a free full chicken token from my loyalty card that we could use providing we spent a certain amount, so I was excited to eat at Nando’s. Unlike my first date with John, the conversation flowed well. We were more interested in what each other had to say and I smiled and laughed more. After eating what I was able to fit in my stomach, I asked for a doggy bag to store the leftovers and we left. I persuaded John to let me drive his car. He went somewhere quiet and gave me the keys.  It meant a lot that he trusted me enough to do so, knowing full well that I didn’t have a license. He was so calm when I made silly mistakes like comfortably driving on the wrong side of the road and getting too close to another driver, who as John said wasn’t very happy with my invasion of his car space.

After date thoughts

This date really surprised me. I didn’t think I could have fun with John and I did. The biggest thing that I would say I got from it is not to quickly disregard anyone before really getting to know him/her. Just because a person doesn’t tick your box at first, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give them a chance, as things may change and your feeling for them could too. Having said that, I don’t think I could take this advice. There are qualities that I’d like in the guy for me and if I compromise on too many of the qualities I feel as though I am not being true to myself and therefore disregarding myself.

Am I being unrealistic or just plain hard headed?

Readers please let me know what you think.

Thanks for reading My dating year – date 12.