Stage 26 – The end!

Thank you all for following me through my dating year journey. The year and challenge has now come to an end. I am thankful for the experience and have learnt a lot from it. Even though it sometimes felt like a chore to publish new post I enjoyed writing about my dating experiences and my thoughts on relationships, love, lust and the other things I gave my opinion on.

Before I go into what I’ve learnt from the whole experience I’d like to give a quick update on the guys I dated during the year. I haven’t seen or spoken to the majority of them. I haven’t stayed in contact with the 4 that knew about my challenge and most of the others who didn’t. I’ve only really stayed in touch with 2, John & Ricardo and communication with them has been sporadic. John has been so kind to me and he could potentially be a good friend but as I mistakenly sent him the link to my blog site I haven’t maintained communication with him since realising the silly mistake I made. I don’t know if he has read my blog or not, but he hasn’t contacted me as he usually does to check up on me, so he may have read it. As for Ricardo after our second date I told him on Blackberry messenger (bbm) that I didn’t want us to see each other anymore. He tried to call me a number of times to talk about it but I didn’t answer any of his calls because I felt so bad and I didn’t think there was anything more to talk about. He didn’t handle it very well and after sending me a couple of messages, he deleted me as a contact on bbm and bad mouthed me to my friend. He eventually got over it and tried to get back in touch. At first I ignored his attempt but by his second or third attempt I gave in and we both apologised to each other. We still occasionally message each other on WhatsApp. He seems like a genuine and nice guy but as I said before he is just not for me.

From doing this challenge I can honestly say that going on dates with different guys is exhausting and not for me. I’m a one guy at a time kind of girl. I’m not into game playing and I hate leading people on intentionally. I hated the first half of the challenge because I was playing with the emotions of guys who hadn’t done anything to me. I felt better on dates with the ones who knew about my challenge and felt freer with them. Aside from the guy who sent me horrible text messages because I didn’t want to see him anymore (guy A from Stage 18) and an interrogation from guy X (who I didn’t even end up going on a date with) because he wasn’t happy about the post on him, I’ve been lucky enough not to have had bad experiences with the guys. I think it’s definitely good to go on a number of dates before deciding to settle down with one person for the rest of your life. I just won’t advise anyone to date so many people in such a short period of time as I did because you need time to really discover certain things about some individuals. Let’s take John for example, when I went on the first date with him he came across dull and I didn’t think I would ever see him again. He was however polite and kind and remained so even after our date, that’s partly why I didn’t resist when he asked to meet up with me again and the second date was fun. If I wasn’t doing my dating challenge and didn’t stick so rigidly to my list I may have considered a relationship with him because I think he has the qualities that will make a good husband. If I had the courage to tell him about this challenge I would firstly apologise for deceiving him and tell him that he is a fantastic person and I truly believe he will find someone special. He doesn’t deserve anything less.

What I’ve learnt from this experience
I’ve learnt not to ignore my instinct and sense when it comes to dating. I think if we all think carefully we can nearly always tell the difference between the people to give a chance to and the ones who are just simply time wasters. We may get it wrong from time to time but I think our instincts guide us if we listen carefully to it.  I’ve learnt not to stick so rigidly to my wish list and not to be wishful in my thinking. You cannot help some people to be what you want them to be or hope they become. You are just straight up incompatible. No one is perfect and acceptance is key. Due to different backgrounds and life experiences we are all as different from one another as we are similar. It’s just about knowing yourself and what you can put up with and finding someone who doesn’t have traits that exceed your tolerance level. The exterior of a person should always be placed lower than their principals and character when considering them as a potential partner. Respect is very important in relationships as well as communication. One should always seek to understand where the other is coming from before taking things to heart. I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I had high standards and still do, this challenge hasn’t changed that. It has however helped to highlight some things that I need to work on, so Mr Right will know he has found a premium lady when he finds me. I need to be more tolerant, patient and somewhat flexible.

This is not the ending I originally thought I would have. I thought I would have had a dramatic Hollywood style ending; where I’ll reveal my blog site to all of the guys involved and post it on my facebook page and ask if any of the guys I’m friends with on facebook would like to go on the final date with me. I’m glad that didn’t happen. I’m just too reserved to be doing things like this. I am still interested in blogging but not about something that affects me personally. I hope to turn every post into a book. Whether I publish the book or not will depend on what I think of the whole experience after some time away from it.

Thank you so much to all of you who have followed me throughout this journey and left me comments or gave me feedback personally. I hope you all got something out of it, educational or entertaining.

Thanks for reading My dating Year!

Stage 25 – Coming to terms with reality

I want to start of this post by saying I’m sorry to those of you who expected me to be completely open about my dating life. I’ve been dating someone for a few months now but I’m not certain about where things are going with him right now. I know the direction I’d like it to go but I’ve also prepared myself for the other direction. The guy knows about this challenge and knows he can google it if he wants to read about it, but as he hasn’t spoken much about it I’m guessing he hasn’t.

In the short space of time I’ve known him I can honestly say he has inspired me to improve in some areas of my life that I’m not so competent in but have been planning to improve on, i.e cooking. Don’t get me wrong I can cook to survive and can make edible meals but I’ve never really been one of those ladies who are really into cooking and cook every day. I feel ashamed to admit it, especially now but it’s true. I always used to joke about marrying a chef when my parents tried to force me to learn when I was younger. I know it’s not too late to learn now. I just feel so ashamed that he can cook a lot more dishes than I can and because he is so critical of the food he eats I’m always nervous when I cook for him and look for approval from him. I haven’t cooked much for him for this reason. I feel like I need to learn and have even asked one of my aunties to teach me before cooking for him again.

I’ve come across a few challenges with him already and sought advice from some of my single and non-single friends. As I’ve been single for such a long time I didn’t think carefully about who I went to for advice. Based on the type of advice I received from the two groups of friends I have to say it is very important who you go to for advice. I appreciate the fact that my single friends listened to me and had something to say to make me feel better but with hindsight I now know that was the wrong thing to do. There comes a time in life when we need to cease from going to the usual people that we go to for help and advice. I’m not saying we should do so because these people don’t have our best interest at heart, no, they are just not always equipped to give us the advice we need. “Seek advice from the people who are where you hope to go”. This is the advice one of my friends, who recently got married gave me when I told him about this post. I wish I had gone to him when I needed relationship advice earlier.

I feel like my understanding of relationships has definitely matured slightly from doing this challenge and I feel prepared to have a relationship now. I know nobody goes to school to learn how to sustain a healthy relationship but I feel like I have through this challenge. I’ve been able to question my approach and reactions to certain things and one thing I’ve learnt recently about relationships is that it’s important to know where your partner is coming from. A lot of the time people get upset over things that others say or do because they’ve heard or seen the situation differently from how it was meant to be received. I’m not saying I will always take things the way they were meant, I’m just a bit more mindful of the confusion that can occur in the process of communication. I usually use my lack of understanding as ammunition to get over guys because as you all know now my standards are quite high, so if I feel a guy falls short I usually amplify any bad thing he says or does to me to get over him if I’m into him.

As I’ve been getting that look and things said to me that are usually directed at females who get married late in life from my family I’ve decided to humble myself and work hard at understanding where the guy I’m dating is coming from before getting upset over some of the things he says to me. I still get upset over some things but I’m working on it. Even if things don’t turn out as I would like them to, I’ve chosen to see my time with him as an opportunity to grow and learn new things. Most of the things I now appreciate in life I’ve had to go through pain, shame and stress in order to arrive at appreciation. As getting married is something important to me I’m ready to put up with more than I was willing to in the past to get there. I’m just going to pray for wisdom to be able to decipher what’s worth putting up with and what I shouldn’t even consider putting up with.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 25.

PS: The final post of My dating year will be posted within a week from this post. I’m going to give an update on the guys I went on dates with, more details of what I’ve learnt from the process and what I plan to do moving forward. I hope you’ll find the time to read it.

Stage 24 – Issues (the undiagnosed breed)

Welcome to My dating year – stage 24

The year is about to come to an end and I’m still single, not a surprise but I just wanted to mention it. Wow, I can’t believe the year I’ve had. A lot of ups and downs, with each experience making me a stronger person. I don’t want to reflect on the year just yet because I’m saving that for my very last post on my dating year, I can’t wait.

I have to say getting into a serious and meaningful relationship seems like playing the lottery to me these days. The odds of picking the right persons seem so low because there appears to be so many wrong people in the right clothing. I sometimes feel to ask those who are in meaningful relationships: ‘how did you find each other?’, ‘what procedure did you take?’, ‘what type of complications did you go through at the beginning and what made you stay with each other even after the difficulties?’

I’ve come to realise that a lot of people have issues. I know this is common knowledge but I didn’t really realise the extent to this epidemic until now. I know some of you are probably thinking this girl is a drama queen and wanting to lol. After you’ve done that just think back to when you first realised a fact of life that was always prominent but didn’t sink in for you until one sudden day when you stopped and thought WOW, is this really how the world/some people are? If you did the exercise properly you might now appreciate why I said a lot of people have issues. The types of issues that I’m talking about affect people in all areas of their lives but can be a big roadblock when dating and looking for a special somebody to settle down with.

Ok, a good amount of people have issues and a lot of the time you can spot the issues before they come close or just as soon as they do. The people I’m referring to here are the ones who are so good at hiding their issues that you almost feel to do a 360° turn so you can play the whole situation in your head again to try and understand what just happened. The types of things that make these people qualify as having issues can be very little but it’s just the fact that they disguise the slightly mental behaviour and show a completely different side to them until the day they erupt over silly little things. Yes there are lots of fake people. This breed of people that I’m talking about is different from the fakes. They don’t seem to be driven by malicious motives. In fact I don’t even think they have motives for their actions a lot of the time. They just snap and I don’t think they can explain why.

Reading the previous paragraph back to myself, I feel as though I’ve described a group of people who may actually have a minute form of mental illness and don’t even know it. In essence we could all have some form of undiagnosed medical issue come to think of it. A lot of the time it’s hard for us to see our faults for what they are. We often need someone with good intentions to give us a true reflection of our not so pleasing sides.  The point of this post anyway is how do you deal with people with undiagnosed issues when trying to peruse a meaningful relationship with them? Readers if you were dating someone and realised they had a slight issue, and if isolated could be disliked for it, but when considering the complete person, and all of their wonderful traits they don’t seem so bad, what would you do? 

To say I didn’t realise the extent to the epidemic is a bit of an exaggeration, I know, but a lot of things appear as an epidemic when you first become aware of them. They do to me anyway. Even though it’s not an epidemic I think as a society our tolerance of other people’s issues when it comes to dating is an epidemic. In the old days a lot of people found someone within their community and just dealt with the good, bad and ugly side to the person. Personally I think that’s because they didn’t know any better; not like us who live in a fast paced digitalised world. We can get to a lot of places more easily and quickly. Some of us even go to other continents to shop and source some of the essential beauty kits to maintain the celebrity look that will raise a lot more eyebrows if the guy we are dating is acting up. In a world where we can get things faster without dispensing much energy and also go further afield if needs be, is it a waste of time to tolerate some people’s unexplainable issues when we could easily move on to the next guy or is that the key to achieving the type of relationship that a lot of people are seeking for whilst moving from one failed relationship to another?

I really hope I haven’t offended anyone with this post. I’m just sharing my thoughts out loud so readers please don’t take any offence if you think differently to me. I would be more than happy to read your thoughts on this topic below.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 24.

Stage 23 – Always persevere!

Welcome to My dating year!

First of all before I begin the topic for this post I just want to shout HOORAY, I finally passed my driving test. It took a lot of attempts and changes in my life, as well as, emotional pain to get there but I did it. I now own a full UK manual driving license. Well done me for not giving up.

I initially wanted to write about something else for this post but changed my mind because I’d like to stay on the topic of perseverance and not losing hope. Those of you who read my blog religiously will know that I wanted to give up on this challenge at one point too. I’m glad I didn’t. I still don’t have a boyfriend and don’t date as regularly as I did when I first started the challenge but that’s not because I am disheartened by the fact that I’m still single. It’s simply because I want to get into a relationship and sometimes we have to stop and stand still in order to move forward.

When it comes to the search of a lifelong partner I have to really commend some people for not giving up. I’d really like to think that there’s someone out there for everybody. Just because family and friends give up hope in you it doesn’t mean you should stop looking and hoping to find your soul mate. Paul McCartney is old and has been through a lot of marriages but he hasn’t given up on love. I respect him so much for that. Yes he made some wrong decisions in his choice of partners in the past and may well have made the wrong decision again with his current wife but who doesn’t make mistakes. If we all decide not to give things a chance because of the fear of possibly making the wrong decision what kind of lives would we be living. Those who give into the fear of possibly having another failed relationship and don’t get into committed relationships as a result are committed to having failed relationships and are not good learners. 

When we fail there’s always something to learn from the failure and improve on. In the process of trying to get my licence I learnt that my eyesight wasn’t as good as I thought and the world is a lot clearer than I previously thought. In order to ease the emotional pain I was going through I decided to take up jogging again and I now have better stamina and jog a much longer distance that I was capable of in the past. I also learnt to push through the negative thoughts, disappointment and shame that come with failing so many times. I knew I’d eventually get my license but the amount of times I failed did make me question whether I was capable of passing the test. The point I’m trying to make here is that finding a life partner is not an easy thing but we shouldn’t give up. In the process of looking, spend time on improving yourself, so when it finally does happen you’ll be an asset to your partner. You’ll make him/her realise something about the world or relationships that they didn’t know.

I was on the tube a couple of days ago and I noticed an advert for women who are in their forties and wanting to be mums. I thought how nice. The world has changed and a lot of women are having children later in life now. Just because a lady has passed 35 it doesn’t mean she should give up on childbearing. Yes pregnancy may be more difficult after a certain age but it shouldn’t mean that women should give up hope of becoming mums after 35. Mount Kilimanjaro is a very difficult mountain to climb but that doesn’t stop people from climbing it. It’s all in the mind. If you believe you can, you will. It doesn’t matter how long or how many attempts, it’s whether you do it or not that matters. So if it means having to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince Charming so be it, all of that wouldn’t matter in the end. You may have kissed so many frogs in order to learn some things about yourself that will make your relationship with your Prince Charming a success.

When I was at Uni I had a boyfriend in the first two years of my studies. In that relationship I learnt that I had some bad habits that can be damaging to a relationship. To be honest I didn’t consider the habits as bad until it was brought to my attention. Now I can’t imagine repeating some of the things I did with someone that I’m in a relationship with. I guess to an extent we should see the process of kissing so many frogs as a polishing process. It allows you to figure out bad habits and traits to eliminate before Prince Charming arrives. Now don’t you want to be near perfect when he arrives?

Having said all of that kissing a lot of frogs can be very damaging to some people because they choose to focus on the negative things that happen in the process. Like all things in life we can allow bad experiences to break us or make us. It’s all in our hands or our heads should I say.

I hope I didn’t waffle on too much and you got the point I was trying to make. I just want to add one more thing: PERSIST UNTIL YOU SUCCED.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 23.

Stage 22 – What bad trait will you over look?

Welcome to My dating year.

My dating life over the past month has been very inactive. I haven’t been on any dates to report on and I haven’t been thinking much about dating either. I have however been reading quite a lot of blogs on relationships and read one recently that really got me thinking. Help! He never forgives! As daft as it might sound the blog is just as the title says. I don’t want to go into details about this blog as you can click here to read it. What I will say is that the blog is essentially about a guy who holds malice with people for long periods of time and doesn’t know how to forgive.

I am not about to condemn this guy because I myself posses this bad trait but not to the extent that he does. I tend to give people chances and can be very forgiving unlike this guy but sometimes common pleasantries is all I can offer to some people after getting over what they’ve done to me. Before I get to this stage I go through a stage where the person doesn’t exist to me. I can happily walk pass the individual on the street and not even blink at them because I don’t wish to acknowledge him/her. I will say I am slow to anger so for me to treat a person like this they must have done something terrible to me.

A lot of people commented on the blog of topic and all of them advised the girl in need of help to leave her boyfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever read a blog where everyone who commented had the same standpoint. Not being able to forgive seems to be at the top of traits that can’t be overlooked based on the 39 comments I read. It is usually easier for people to give advice than to follow it out themselves but I sure do hope that they’ll all do the same thing if they ever find themselves in the same position, because it’s not nice being around someone who can’t forgive, not to talk about spending the rest of your life with that individual.

I personally think the guy who can’t forgive is missing out by not ever forgiving. I know there are some people who do not deserve to be forgiven because aside from their wrong doings they never show any remorse for their actions. The thing about forgiving is that it is more beneficial for the person who forgives than the one who is forgiven. It frees you up from a lot of negative feelings and thoughts. It allows you to take hold of the power that holding malice sucks from you. Imagine seeing someone who wronged you on the street and confidently walking pass the person with a smile on your face and having something pleasant to say to the individual. I don’t know about you but I feel so terrible when I’ve hurt someone and yet they are still nice to me. I feel much better when they are horrible to me because I feel like I can somehow justify my wrong doing by their bad attitude towards me.

Another thing about forgiveness is that in some cases when you forgive you reach a deeper level of connection with the person who you’ve forgiven. Some of the people I’m close to now, I’m so happy that I was able to forgive them for their wrong doings and vice versa because they add so much value to my life; more than the people who’ve never wronged me. One thing I have to highlight here is that different things upset different people. There are some things that offend some individuals that make me want to say: ‘you have nothing better to focus your energy on, that’s why you can take offence to such a thing’. I also get offended over some small things that I’m sure some people consider as petty.

Not being able to forgive is definitely a trait I won’t overlook. The thought of being with such a person seems so painful and deadly. There are a number of other characteristics that I wouldn’t have overlooked a few years ago but now will turn a blind eye to. The older I get the more I see the need to accept people for their strengths and weaknesses, so some of the things I wouldn’t  have stood for before I might overlook them now because I know there’s more to people than their bad actions. If an individual falls way short of the level of credibility I like in the people I keep around me then I just need to walk away from the friendship/relationship.

I found a list of 10 personality traits you will be hated for which doesn’t include the inability to forgive. I wouldn’t put the traits in the order the author has, so I recreated my own list and order. Please see both lists below.

Steven Aitchison’s list (click here to read more about each trait):                              

1.       Arrogant

2.       Rudeness

3.       Domineering

4.       Dishonesty

5.       Temperamental

6.       Conceited

7.       Unreliable

8.       Dependent

9.       Pessimism

10.   Condescending

My list

1.       Inability to forgive – I didn’t know people could actually be like this until reading the blog. I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes so I need my partner to be a forgiving guy

2.       Dishonesty – I know everyone tells lies every once in a while. I just can’t stand those people who lie to you when they know you know the truth or those who never own up to things that they clearly did

3.       Unreliable – People who are always unreliable are selfish and disrespectful. I cannot build a future with such a person

4.       Users – I can’t stand people who believe everyone on this planet has been sent to serve them in one way or another. They abuse your kindness and don’t even understand that you’ve shown them kindness because for some reason they think it’s their right to claim whatever you’ve given them or helped them with

5.       Condescending– I think we are all to an extent condescending but those people who always bring people down because they are so up there in their own eyes are difficult to be around 

6.       Domineering – I personally dislike this trait in women more than men because controlling women seem to be more conniving than controlling men

7.       Pessimism – I actively try to be positive at all times so it really irritates me when some people always speak negatively. Life is not perfect but there are also good things in the world. I know pessimist tend to be the way they are because they are trying to protect themselves from being hurt, which is understandable but they should please try to keep their method of withstanding pain to themselves, not everyone likes that method

8.       Temperamental – I usually try to avoid such people but I’m not able to in every area of my life. I am still praying for strength to deal with this type of people

9.       Rudeness – It really doesn’t cost much to be polite. I understand that we all have different tolerance level and some people are provoked into being rude. It’s the people who are constantly rude even when they are not provoked that I can’t stand

10.   As for conceited and arrogance – I’m not too bothered by these traits but I don’t think I could be with a guy who possesses the traits. I’m ok with a guy being a little bit over confident but when he is too full of himself I don’t think there will be room for me in his life.

11.   Dependency – I can’t see myself with a guy who is overly dependent. I didn’t grow up around such men so it’s not a quality I associate with men who have a place in society.

I personally will not overlook the first 5 traits on my list but I could probably deal with diluted forms of the other traits.

What traits can you overlook?

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 22

Stage 21 – Work & family - can they be balanced or does one have to give?

Hi Readers,

Sorry for the late post. This week has been very hectic for me. We had a very successful event at work and I’m still trying to recover from it.

I’ve really struggled to decide on a topic for this post but I have decided on one that’s currently on my mind; which isn’t directly related to dating but has some relation.

Things happen to us that sometimes make us feel like shutting the door on the world (this is not a suicidal comment, so please don’t read too much into it), but as a lot of you may know life goes on whether we like it or not. Since graduating from University I’ve gone through a few things that have made me feel quite low and I’ve come to learn that adversity is part of life and it teaches us about ourselves.

Whenever I find myself struggling with something and just before winter I often ask myself: what is my motivation? When I was younger I always thought I’d grow up to be a woman who is career driven, but I also thought I’d have a family. Lately I’ve been asking myself: what are my priorities and how are they ordered? As much as I like my job and I’m grateful for it, work is not my number one priority. At the moment I spend most of my time at work than anywhere else (this calculation does not include the time I spend sleeping). I know this is the norm for anyone who has a full time job and very successful professional men and women spend far more time than I at work or doing work. Whilst the men tend to have children, the women don’t and if they do they either had them when they were quite young or they hardly spend time with their children.

I don’t want to say I’m feeling broody, especially as I’m single, but I think about what I want for my children when I have them a lot these days. I think about the amount of time that I want to invest in them, so they’ll grow up to have certain values and the confidence that they can do whatever they put their mind to, regardless of what others have to say. In order to achieve this goal I consider being a mum as a top priority after my relationship with God, as that’s also something I’d like to invest a lot of time in. After reading Proverbs 31 and thinking about the qualities that I possess, I think I could be a great help mate for the guy I settle down with, so in order to have the type of family and marriage that I’d like, my husband also has to be a top priority. Ideally my aim is to have the following prioritised as shown below.

1.       God

2.       My husband

3.       My children

4.       My mum, sister, brother

5.       Work/Business

6.       Friends

7.       Education

8.       Extended family

9.       Community contribution

10.   Everything else

As shown above work is not a top priority at all. That is not to say I won’t give it my all whilst I’m there, it’s just that I care more about the things that I’ve placed before it. From what I know about big organisations and some medium and small companies they seem to expect a lot from their staff and they want employees to have passion for what they do. The more passion and time you put into a company, the more likely they are to reward you by promoting or giving you more benefits. As much as it’s great to be rewarded for ones hard work, how can I have the conducive relationship that I want with my husband, children and God if I’m too busy with work or spending most of my time there?

I know a lot of women manage to balance work and motherhood, which is good and encouraging but I’m just saying that I have given this topic a lot of thought lately and I’m really considering my options. Time will tell what I’ll decide to do when I meet the one and have children. I may surprise myself and discover that I have a lot of energy and I’m able to balance everything well. If that happens I can truly add myself to the list of extremely blessed people in this world.

Apologies if this is not the type of post you were hoping to read. I just wanted to share a different side to me.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 21

Stage 20 – The law of attraction

Welcome to My dating year!

Have you read or heard of the book called: The Secret? If you have and don’t buy its message please don’t stop reading this post because of that. I truly believe the book’s core message has played a key role in my dating challenge, but before I explain its relevance to My dating year, I have provided a short synopsis of the book below for those of you who haven’t heard of it.

Synopsis of The Secret

The Secret is about the law of attraction. The author uses a lot of quotes from the bible, other religious and non religious books to emphasise the belief that most of the things we experience are due to what we called into our lives. In other words the life you live now is based on your past thoughts. The following quote sums up the book:

‘I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavour.’ Henry David Thoreeau.

If you think positively, hope for the best and visualise the outcome you are after regularly, and consciously stay on this wave length of thinking you will see opportunities that will bring what you’ve been visualising to reality. If on the other hand you moan, get depressed and constantly think about how your life isn’t going as you’ve planned it to be, it will continue to go off course.

The law of attraction is most noticeable in the lives of those who have gone through deep adversities. Those who are cheerful and eager to help when their lives on the outside looks as though it’s falling apart and only a miracle can bring it back together. According to the book anyone is able to come out of a really bad situation by staying positive, consciously uplifting their spirit when they feel it’s getting down and constantly visualising the outcome they are after.

The law of attraction - its impact on My dating year

I am a believer of the law of attraction, even though I have difficulty practising it. I also believe that the concept can be very misleading. From the beginning of My dating year I have attracted a lot of things consciously and unconsciously. I strongly believed two things; I would complete the challenge and the chances of me getting into a serious relationship this year is minute. There have been times when I’ve thought and hoped otherwise but for the most part I’ve thought and believed these two things.

In regards to getting dates I thought it would be hard at times and it was, but deep down I believed I could get a lot of guys to go on dates with me. This is not because I’m arrogant or narcissistic. I was just more focused on how I was going to make it happen rather than why it wouldn’t happen. It meant I had to put myself out there and in doing so I drew myself closer to the guys I’ve blogged about. Another thing I knew was in order for me to go on as many dates as I wanted to I had to consider the type of guys I wouldn’t normally, in the process of doing so I have attracted the reality of being single for the majority of 2012 and most likely the whole year.

As I mentioned in my last post I even attracted the type of guy I was after according to my list, through continuous mentions and visualisation of the items on my list. About three weeks ago I went to a friend’s wedding. I was told it was invite only so I wasn’t able to bring a plus one with me. I was really looking forward to the wedding and in my heart I knew I would meet someone and I did. Unlike the guy I talked about in my last post I was attracted to this guy. He didn’t tick vital items on my list but because I was attracted to him physically I didn’t care. I spent some time with this guy and threw a lot of the things that usually matter to me out of the window. My senses returned when the song he was singing in the first week started to change and I realised it was not the beat that I really wanted to dance to so I called it off and learnt a big lesson in the process.

I learnt that not everything that you consider to be good for you when you wished it turns out that way. I’ve always thought weddings are a good place to meet guys and as the guy I met had a suit on, I was even more attracted to him (it’s a wedding that’s what guys wear at such events derrr). I would have preferred not to have met this guy knowing what I know now but I don’t regret getting to know him because I’ve learnt about myself and how quickly I can lose sight of my goal over wishful thinking. This guy clearly wasn’t for me and there were plenty of signs telling me this. A friend of mine who doesn’t usually impose her views on me even sent me a message ordering me not to get involved with this guy because he is so far from what I want. Although I told my friend  I was in control of the situation I was really focusing and hoping his tomorrow would be more in line with what I need from the guy I settle down with.

 I found what I wanted in the guy I blogged about last but I wasn’t physically attracted to him or felt at ease with him, so I decided not to follow my list so rigidly. I then found a guy I was attracted to and deep down hoped he’ll possess the things on my list gradually but his agenda wasn’t in sync with mine, so he had to go. For the first time during this process I am very upset with myself for the silly decisions I made about the guy from the wedding and I’m still trying to shake off the disappointment in myself.

I realised that although the package looks like what I ordered, it doesn’t mean it’s going to operate the way I want it to. This is why I think the law of attraction can be misleading but I wouldn’t say it is flawed. In gaining what we want to attract, we sometimes learn that we don’t always wish for the correct things. Instead of me looking for a partner who has this and that, my focus should really be on how he makes me feel. The Secret does mention that rather than wishing for the things that we think would bring happiness we should instead wish to be happy as those things may bring sadness instead.

There is a Chinese proverb that goes like this: ‘May you get what you wish for’. There are different ways of reading into this proverb but my interpretation is that some of the things that we wish for are not good for us. For a person to curse you by saying ‘may you get what you wish for’, it means they know you are not wise and almost incapable of knowing what’s really good for you. They don’t need to mention the bad things they wish you to experience as they trust you’ll do it all by yourself.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 20.

 

Stage 19 – He ticks everything on my list so why aren’t I into him?

Those of you who follow my blogs or have read blog 16 will know that there are certain features and characteristics that I want in the guy I settle down with.  Throughout my dating process I have kept my list in mind, even though I have learnt a number of things along the way which I believe are much more important than my list.

To reiterate if you haven’t read blog 16, the things I had on my list are: kind, mature, clean, respectful, DIY, very ambitious, tall, between 27-35 years old, well paid and a God fearing man. Right until recently I hadn’t found anyone who ticked everything on the list, not until I met guy B a few weeks ago.

When guy B first approached me I actually thought this is the kind of guy I’m looking for based on his physical appearance. He had a suit on. He was tall and approached me in a respectful way.  He also came across quite down to earth and humble. We arranged a date not long after and went for a meal and saw a play at the West End.

When we sat down for the meal he changed. He became very serious and the playful side that I saw in him when I first met him disappeared. I even mentioned to him that I feel like you’ve turned into a different person all of a sudden and he said it was because he wanted me to see a serious but not office like side to him. I didn’t like that because that’s not who I met.  Throughout the date he did and said all the right things but the more he tried to impress the more turned off I became.

I went to a wedding with him the following day and that went well and I actually liked him more on that day. He helped out throughout the wedding because he was part of the organising team. I didn’t mind that I was on my own most of the time because  he tried when he could to spend some time with me and showed me that he very much wanted to be with me but duty called.

The following day I saw him again and I was back to feeling turned off. I really didn’t understand why, especially as he ticked everything on my list and was doing all he could to show me that he really cared about me. I decided to see him the following day for the fourth consecutive day in hope that I will feel something for him, but like the day before I didn’t and I started avoiding him after that. Whilst I was avoiding him, he was still being a kind gentleman by giving me the space that I had asked for but also tried to involve me in his life by telling me that he is in the process of buying tickets for us to see a comedy show together. As sweet as that may sound, I think it is slightly controlling because he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go to the show or if I was even available. He just dropped it into a conversation that he was buying tickets for us to go to a comedy show. I had to ask who the us was and declined when he said it was me and him.

I have questioned myself over and over again, why am I not into this guy when he has everything on my list and almost desperately wants to be with me. The best answer that I can give myself is that my spirit doesn’t feel happy about him. I don’t understand how you can fall so deeply for someone in such a short time and suffocate the person by making them feel as though they are in a relationship with you within a few days of meeting. What happened to the time spent getting to know each other before deciding to officially be together and no longer date others.

I also felt as though guy B and I spoke different languages because we didn’t understand each other’s sense of humour nor did we really know what motivated each other. In fact there were a lot of things that I just felt could not be ignored before deciding to be with someone that he was whole heartedly ready to ignore because he thought we would be perfect for each other.

I don’t know if it’s because we are 6 years apart in age and I’m just not as mature as him yet to see things as quickly as he did, but what I do know from this experience is that as much as it’s important to have a list my spirit must feel at ease when I’m with the guy I choose to settle down with. I really did try to like guy B for the sake of my list but as I created my list and not the other way round I refuse to let my list have full control of my love life.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 19.

Stage 18 – I’m just not that into him

Over the last month I’ve been on dates with 2 very different guys. I went on 2 dates with guy A, who I didn’t really want to go on a date with because I wasn’t really into him but I thought I’d go anyway because he was quite persistent. I had a good time on the date but as I weren’t into him I didn’t try to initiate a second date. He on the other hand did, and again was very persistent, so I met up with him again. This time round I told him that I had been on a lot of dates this year and he wanted to know how he was measuring up with the other guys because he thinks he and I will be great together. I told him the furthest I had gone with any of the guys is a second date and he said: ‘that means I have a good chance’ and I replied with: ‘not necessarily’ and I didn’t give an explanation for saying so, even though he asked for one. As most people do when they are not into a guy/girl I ceased from contacting him after the date, and I also changed my phone days after from Blackberry to an iPhone 4, so a lot of people weren’t able to get through to me on blackberry messenger.

Whilst I was writing my last post he called and I answered cheerfully but he wasn’t as friendly to me. He basically told me off for not behaving the way he wants me to and then tried to get me to reassure him that he and I could have a future together and I refused. I was silent instead and when he realised he wasn’t going to get the response he wanted he hung up. Aside from not being attracted to this guy, his behaviour made me feel even more justified for not contacting him and I hoped that would be the last I heard from him because I didn’t understand why he was pressuring me to behave a certain way and to form a relationship with him when I had only known him for a couple of weeks.

Days after my last encounter with guy A, I sent a message to pretty much everyone who was on my blackberry messenger, who also had WhatsApp, informing them that my blackberry messenger was temporarily out of use but they could get through to me on WhatsApp. He was one of the people who I sent the message to. I did so out of politeness because I really didn’t want him to know that he could get through to me on WhatsApp. Days later he sent me several rude messages on WhatsApp and in one of them he mentioned how laughable it is that I go on dates for free meals. I asked him to send me his bank details so I could pay my half of the meal. He replied with: ‘I don’t want money off you’ and then tried to be nice and insisted that I do one nice thing for him. I refused because I didn’t understand what he was playing at and I thought doing a nice thing for him because he asked me to was only going to defeat the purpose of being nice. Also because of the way he had behaved to date I didn’t want him to think that I had given him the green light for us to start a relationship together by doing that one nice thing.  The WhatsApp conversation continued on until he got the affirmation he needed to think things were back on track and all he had to do was be nice to me and pretend to care about me and he’ll have me right where he wanted me to be.

Before he first called to tell me off, he had called a few times and each time I told him I was busy preparing for a church event and told him when the event will take place. After our last encounter on WhatsApp he messaged me to ask how the church event went and mentioned that he hopes I get a lot of praise for it. That in itself irritated me because everything I do at church is not for what others will say or think of me. I do it because I can and as part of the church community I feel the need to contribute. Irritation aside, I told him that the event hadn’t happened and it will take place the following week. Less than a week later and before the Sunday of the event he sent me another message asking how the event went. I didn’t respond because  I knew he didn’t genuinely care and as the event hadn’t happened it was clear that he didn’t really take in what I had told him and was just pretending to have an interest in what I do. The next day he messaged again stating he can delete my number if I don’t wish to hear from him again. I didn’t respond and thought he would take that as confirmation to delete my number. Unfortunately for me he didn’t and he sent me another insulting message almost a week later.

I personally don’t want to delete his number because if he tries to call me with his number I want to know it’s him calling so I won’t answer. I just hope he gets over the hurt that he is feeling and leaves me alone because he is actually really scaring me and I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong to make him behave in such an abusive way. It is perfectly normal to go on dates with people and then decide you don’t want to see them anymore. Some of my dates haven’t been interested in me after our date but I got the picture and I moved on. Sending rude messages is just childish and it says the person sending the message does not know how to handle his/her emotions.

I’m going to share my very different experience with guy B in my next post, which is due in 2 weeks. As much as I tried to keep my encounter with guy A brief it has taken too many words and I don’t want those of you who don’t like reading long blogs to be turned off, so please check out my next post to read about my experience with guy B.

Thanks for reading My dating year – Stage 18

Stage 17 - Love & Lust

Love & Lust

Before I begin my entry this week, I want to look at the definition of the following words: lust & love.

Lust

Oxford dictionary: ‘strong sexual desire’.

Urban dictionary: ‘often confused with love, it is purely physical attraction and has no lasting effect.’

Love

Oxford dictionary: ‘a strong feeling of affection’.

Urban dictionary: ‘the most spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.’

We are now 33 weeks into this year and I’m now starting to see certain things about dating and relationships. I’ve always believed that the best way to start a relationship is to have strong feelings for the person you are entering the relationship with and there should be butterflies in your stomach and you should always be filled with glee when you think about the other person. I was quite young when this idea entered my head. From what I remember I got it mainly from the media. Films, music videos, books, adverts and I always assumed that most relationships started this way. To be honest I didn’t think much about what it took to keep the romance going in a relationship and I didn’t realise until the past few years that romance and love are choices that people who experience it make. They are not God given rights. It doesn’t just happen automatically like lust. It takes time and conscious effort.

In the past few months I’ve listened to several videos and read a number of books and blogs, which I believe have really opened my eyes and heart to what love is. The verb ‘give’ in essence is the main signifier of love. When I first heard someone talking about how love is not about what you get from the other person, and those in relationships for what it offers them are simply in a contract and they’ve agreed with their spouse to do something in return for something else and are simply fulfilling the terms of the contract and not in love; I realised for the first time that my internal definition of love has been wrong all these years. Love is not selfish or self gratifying. I literally had a light bulb moment. It’s not that I haven’t come across this new definition of love (new to my spirit) before because I have. I listened to Destiny Child’s song, outro (thank you), where Michelle explains the characteristics of love. At the time, I didn’t see love as something I had control over. I thought it just happened naturally. I didn’t realise that I have to actively show love. I thought whoever I end up with will just love me for me without me making much effort.  

I think I’ve subconsciously subscribed to the love at first sight theory without realising it, because whenever I go on a date with a guy I never focus on what I should really be looking for in a potential life partner. I always hope to meet the guy and really like him to the point that I’d want to think about him all the time. Not until after watching the vlog: Dating and courtship - do you understand the real purpose of dating? did I realise what I should have been asking myself whilst dating.  This whole time I’ve been focused on my list which was more concerned with my wants. Not once did I ask myself whether I have or could develop genuine admiration and respect for any of these guys. Even the ones I liked, looking back now I can’t say I admired them. I was just on an emotional high (lust) and once the high cleared off I didn’t really have the respect that I have for some of my male friends for these guys. If things had gone my way whilst I was on an emotional high I would have probably found myself in a relationship and months later realised that I don’t even like the guy because I don’t admire who he is and how he chooses to live his life. Not to talk of wanting to love him. 

As much as that vlog has revolutionised my thinking of what to look for in a potential partner I can’t say that I will be giving up my list just yet. I now subscribe to the definition of love being about giving and it’s a choice that people make. But before I can give my all to a guy and choose to love him whole heartedly and unconditionally, I still need him to meet a certain standard. I’m not saying that if over time he loses some of the attributes on my list I will stop loving him, I’m just saying to begin with I need him to have certain qualities that I believe will make me respect him before developing long lasting respect and admiration for him. This is not to say that I don’t respect guys who don’t meet my criteria. I will have the type of life that I want by meeting a guy who meets my criteria and when we make a choice in life we take a number things into consideration and don’t blindly decide to do things and then deal with the consequences. My criteria is one of the things I will consider before choosing to love a guy. I may compromise on some things but not on some. For example I want a guy who is ambitious. Not completely for my sake but for his too. When you are ambitious you see possibilities and you ooze positivity, more so than those who lack ambition and people who have a positive approach to life tend to have happier lives. 

I realise that this love that I’m talking about is not going to be a walk in the park to fulfil but if I diligently focus on finding a guy who meets my criteria and is highly respectable and admirable in my eyes I’m sure I could develop love for him over time, even if I don’t have the intense rush of emotions at the start. The definitions of love above don’t mention attraction as a component to love. They mentioned affection and euphoric feeling but neither of these words translates to attraction.

Readers do you agree with my new understanding of love or do you think this way of thinking is unrealistic and if attraction is not there from the start it may never come? Should love be about attraction?

Thanks for reading My dating year – Stage 17.

Stage 16

Rational or irrational?

I would like to start this entry by saying: it feels so nice not to have to go on so many dates anymore!!!!!!   Going on dates is also more enjoyable now. I went on a date over a week ago with a guy I met whilst walking home from a friend’s graduation party. We didn’t really do anything exciting but it was a nice date. We just grabbed a bite from a kebab shop, went to a very nice bar after and then he let me drive his Mercedes.  We also conveniently went to Asda, where I bought packs of bottled water before he dropped me home. Even though my past dates haven’t been terrifying I felt very relaxed on this date. Everything seemed to have happened naturally. I didn’t have to initiate the date as I did in the past or purposely influence him to ask me on a date by showing a little more interest than I actually had in him; nor did I say or do the things I knew he liked more for a desired effect.

I can’t say I was mesmerized by him when he stopped me. I even gave him the name I give to guys that I have no interest in when he asked for my name. I was ready to give him the second line: ‘I have a boyfriend’ too but decided against doing so after hearing him speak. He spoke and came across quite well. Since our date we’ve stayed in touch and he is making the effort to gain something out of meeting me. I’m just not sure what and I don’t see us going any further than just being friends.  This is where I pause to ask myself why? In my phone I have a picture of written words, stating: ‘I’M SINGLE UNTIL I FIND MY KIND, MATURE, CLEAN, RESPECTFUL, DIY, VERY AMBITIOUS, TALL, BETWEEN 27-35YR OLD, WELL PAID, GOD FEARING MAN’. From what I know about this guy I don’t think he is far from this description but yet I’m not convinced I can have a relationship with him.

Relationship Matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson would probably describe my idea of my perfect guy, based on what I’ve highlighted in the picture as somewhere between the shopping and investment mentality. He describes the shopping mentality as a focus on characteristics and the utility benefits of having a partner in one’s life. For example I want the guy who I plan to get with to be able to fix things around my house. The investment mentality on the other hand is to look at a potential partner’s values, their vision and to consider if they are in line with one’s own values and vision; does the person bring out the best in you and do they speak the same love language as you?  I believe my list is very much value focused, so much so that when I received: ‘I was gonna come pass yours and chill for a bit but if you are too busy another time’ from this new guy, I lowered my eyebrows because I don’t think it’s respectful to suggest coming to my home when we’ve only met up once.

Since I started this challenge in January I didn’t until now think properly about the next stage after dating. It’s almost as if I’ve been in this bubble, where I expect guys to treat me as a princess by taking me out to nice places and looking their best and saying all the right things and never ever looking at me as a piece of meat. I hate when guys look at me like that. Looking back on all my dates, I’ve not once thought of inviting a guy back home with me and whenever guys have asked or merely insinuated that they want to come to my house I’ve either been real irritated and figured out a way to get out of letting the guy into my home or I’ve been really defensive. I even had a full on argument with one guy on WhatsApp over this. I didn’t realise then that it isn’t irrational for a guy to expect to come to my house when he knows I have my own place. I just thought the guy I argued with was a dirty prick and I didn’t understand why he would think it’s ok to suggest coming back to my house after a date.

Now that this new guy has sent me that message, I find myself looking for a way to avoid ever inviting him to my house. On my way back from work sometime this week it dawned on me that there might be something wrong with me. I automatically assume that guys want sex when they ask if they can come to my house. Even though I may be wrong in thinking so, there are so many reasons why I may also be right. According to Steve Harvey, author of Act like a lady, think like a man, men are always calculating whether they can afford a lady, even before they step to her. They go as far as assessing the cost of transportation and every other cost they may incur in order to have sex with her. If they feel the cost of attaining sex from one particular lady is too much, they won’t bother. They’ll find another lady who they can sleep with more easily without having to dig into their savings.  As I have my own place, I can’t help but think some guys will try to exploit me for this reason. It’s cheaper for them to come to my house and chill than take me out as frequently as I would like to go out. I’m especially irritated when they ask right from the get go if I live with my parents or alone.  

When the guys I’ve been on dates with this year have asked to come to my house I’ve nearly always demonised them in my head.  I’ve been single for a while now and the last time I was in a relationship I was 20 years old. I thought differently to how I think now. I’ve experienced things and seen things which have made me less naive in some regards.  I feel like I now have a much better understanding of what it means to be in a relationship and I feel like when I get into one I’m going to give a lot more than I did in the past. So the idea of bringing a guy who I don’t see a future with into my house scares me and almost makes me short of breath. I almost feel like I’m putting my life on the line if I invite such a guy into my home.

Time will tell if I will react the same way when a guy who I’m very interested in asks the dreaded question.

Thanks for visiting My dating year – stage 16.

As always please leave comments and questions below and I’ll endeavour to reply as soon as possible.

Change of direction!

My dating year

Change of direction!

If you read my last blog you may be curious to find out what the new era that I mentioned is all about. If you didn’t keep reading you may take away something that you didn’t expect to find and besides you are already on my page so you might as well continue reading.

The big reason for the change as I mentioned is that I’m tired of just dating to blog and I want to meet someone. I want a relationship. I want to build a future with someone. I want to be someone’s reason for getting up when most things seem bleak. I want someone who will make me want to rush home after work to cook him something nice and present the food in the most immaculate way I can think of. He probably won’t care how presentable the food looks but I want to go out of my way because the guy motivates me to be my best and in being my best I have to give him the best I can.

I certainly hope that some of my readers got something out of my blogs and what I now call the old era; whether it’s educational or entertaining. It definitely made my day to hear 2 separate guys who don’t know each other say they are learning from my blogs. I can tick one of my core reasons for starting My dating year. Thanks guys for voicing the appreciation. You know who you are.

Aside from wanting to meet someone, I got to a point of frustration with this challenge and blogging. I didn’t feel I was really giving my readers as much as I promised I was going to give in terms of opening up about how I feel about each situation. There’s only so much you can learn about a person from a first date. As that’s all I was going on and the occasional second dates I didn’t really feel I was experiencing enough to help others who aren’t as experienced when it comes to dating. I was finding out important things about most of the guys after the dates but I didn’t report these details because I didn’t initially want to focus on the aftermaths of my dates. I don’t think it’s right that I have kept you readers out of the loop as some of you might have gained more from the after events than the actual dates. The format of my blog didn’t allow me to provide continuous updates, sorry.

I felt like my blog was losing purpose. I had gone on enough first dates for anyone who is completely new to dating to learn from, especially guys. I communicated my frustration to a few friends and stumbled upon a very useful blog site called: Hooking Up Smart  out of boredom and decided to change the direction of my challenge after being inspired by some of the blogs I read on the site. I am redefining what My dating year means and making it more purposeful and even if you, readers of my blog site, don’t gain from the change I will at least walk away with a degree in “datingology”. It may not be a certified degree but I will certainly have the knowledge to hold on to.

In this process of change I have started evaluating myself and thankfully I have some people around me who aren’t afraid to tell me the truth about some of my not so attractive qualities, which can turn some guys off. I will use the next couple of blogs to explore some of these qualities that I’m working on changing and I will also examine some of the characteristics that men don’t like about women and vice versa. I have bought some books and already done one poll and watched some videos on dating and relationships in order to learn more and bag myself the kind of man who is really for me, based on who I am and what I want out of life.

From now on I will blog about the process of finding someone special. I will still go on dates and talk about the dates but not so much in isolation. I will compare some of the guys and only go on dates with guys that I can see myself with and not just say yes or initiate dates with guys who I have no interest in as I did in the previous era. There may be weeks where I won’t go on dates but I will still put myself out there and write about how the search is coming along and the new theories and ideas that I have decided to subscribe to and how I’m finding them. If I’m lucky enough to find a guy who I’m really interested in and vice versa and decide to see him only I will continue to blog about the relationship until the end of 2012. Realistically speaking I don’t think I’ll be finding a guy to settle down with any time soon because I don’t think I have fully transitioned from the shopping to the investment mentality when it comes to dating as Paul Carrick Brunson, a relationship matchmaker puts it. I will exemplify this theory in my next entry.

The plan is to keep the same format as the last era, so I will continue to post new entries every two weeks but my next entry will be next week as it’s the second week after date 15. Instead of titling the blogs as “date...” they will now begin as “stage...(following from the last number I had” so the next entry will be titled: “stage 16” as I believe I’m on a journey. My idea of dating is about to change.  

I carried out a poll called: ‘How I met my partner’; which 57 people filled in, 57.4% of whom were in a relationship and the other 42.6% were single. I found out that when it comes to meeting someone to have a committed relationship with most people in a relationship tend to meet their partners at family/friends parties/gathering. Even the single people who actively go out to find a partner voted family/friends parties/gathering joint first with church as the place where they go to to find a potential partner. Interestingly online dating site and school/college/university were voted joint second place as the location where those in relationships found their partners and professional events was voted second by the singletons.

I did this survey so I can increase my chances of finding a partner by simply going to the same places where those in relationships said they attended to find their partners. As they say, there’s no point in reinventing the wheel. I may not meet the guy I’ll settle down with in the top voted places but I am willing to give it a try by attending more family and friends events. I’m not happy that online dating was voted quite highly because I’ve already done that and got the t-shirt and it’s not my preferred method but I’ll give it another try. I gained some insightful information which I will refer to over the course of this journey.

I want to apologise for not going on a second date with Curtis before changing direction. I have not ruled out a second date with him but because it’s been so long since our last date I don’t think either of us feel anything for each other so if I go on a second date with him it will be more to honour the vote that some of you made.

I hope you all follow me in this new journey and I hope it’s more useful than the previous era. Please leave me a comment below to let me know of your thoughts on my change of direction.

Thanks for reading My dating year – Change of direction!