Stage 16

Rational or irrational?

I would like to start this entry by saying: it feels so nice not to have to go on so many dates anymore!!!!!!   Going on dates is also more enjoyable now. I went on a date over a week ago with a guy I met whilst walking home from a friend’s graduation party. We didn’t really do anything exciting but it was a nice date. We just grabbed a bite from a kebab shop, went to a very nice bar after and then he let me drive his Mercedes.  We also conveniently went to Asda, where I bought packs of bottled water before he dropped me home. Even though my past dates haven’t been terrifying I felt very relaxed on this date. Everything seemed to have happened naturally. I didn’t have to initiate the date as I did in the past or purposely influence him to ask me on a date by showing a little more interest than I actually had in him; nor did I say or do the things I knew he liked more for a desired effect.

I can’t say I was mesmerized by him when he stopped me. I even gave him the name I give to guys that I have no interest in when he asked for my name. I was ready to give him the second line: ‘I have a boyfriend’ too but decided against doing so after hearing him speak. He spoke and came across quite well. Since our date we’ve stayed in touch and he is making the effort to gain something out of meeting me. I’m just not sure what and I don’t see us going any further than just being friends.  This is where I pause to ask myself why? In my phone I have a picture of written words, stating: ‘I’M SINGLE UNTIL I FIND MY KIND, MATURE, CLEAN, RESPECTFUL, DIY, VERY AMBITIOUS, TALL, BETWEEN 27-35YR OLD, WELL PAID, GOD FEARING MAN’. From what I know about this guy I don’t think he is far from this description but yet I’m not convinced I can have a relationship with him.

Relationship Matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson would probably describe my idea of my perfect guy, based on what I’ve highlighted in the picture as somewhere between the shopping and investment mentality. He describes the shopping mentality as a focus on characteristics and the utility benefits of having a partner in one’s life. For example I want the guy who I plan to get with to be able to fix things around my house. The investment mentality on the other hand is to look at a potential partner’s values, their vision and to consider if they are in line with one’s own values and vision; does the person bring out the best in you and do they speak the same love language as you?  I believe my list is very much value focused, so much so that when I received: ‘I was gonna come pass yours and chill for a bit but if you are too busy another time’ from this new guy, I lowered my eyebrows because I don’t think it’s respectful to suggest coming to my home when we’ve only met up once.

Since I started this challenge in January I didn’t until now think properly about the next stage after dating. It’s almost as if I’ve been in this bubble, where I expect guys to treat me as a princess by taking me out to nice places and looking their best and saying all the right things and never ever looking at me as a piece of meat. I hate when guys look at me like that. Looking back on all my dates, I’ve not once thought of inviting a guy back home with me and whenever guys have asked or merely insinuated that they want to come to my house I’ve either been real irritated and figured out a way to get out of letting the guy into my home or I’ve been really defensive. I even had a full on argument with one guy on WhatsApp over this. I didn’t realise then that it isn’t irrational for a guy to expect to come to my house when he knows I have my own place. I just thought the guy I argued with was a dirty prick and I didn’t understand why he would think it’s ok to suggest coming back to my house after a date.

Now that this new guy has sent me that message, I find myself looking for a way to avoid ever inviting him to my house. On my way back from work sometime this week it dawned on me that there might be something wrong with me. I automatically assume that guys want sex when they ask if they can come to my house. Even though I may be wrong in thinking so, there are so many reasons why I may also be right. According to Steve Harvey, author of Act like a lady, think like a man, men are always calculating whether they can afford a lady, even before they step to her. They go as far as assessing the cost of transportation and every other cost they may incur in order to have sex with her. If they feel the cost of attaining sex from one particular lady is too much, they won’t bother. They’ll find another lady who they can sleep with more easily without having to dig into their savings.  As I have my own place, I can’t help but think some guys will try to exploit me for this reason. It’s cheaper for them to come to my house and chill than take me out as frequently as I would like to go out. I’m especially irritated when they ask right from the get go if I live with my parents or alone.  

When the guys I’ve been on dates with this year have asked to come to my house I’ve nearly always demonised them in my head.  I’ve been single for a while now and the last time I was in a relationship I was 20 years old. I thought differently to how I think now. I’ve experienced things and seen things which have made me less naive in some regards.  I feel like I now have a much better understanding of what it means to be in a relationship and I feel like when I get into one I’m going to give a lot more than I did in the past. So the idea of bringing a guy who I don’t see a future with into my house scares me and almost makes me short of breath. I almost feel like I’m putting my life on the line if I invite such a guy into my home.

Time will tell if I will react the same way when a guy who I’m very interested in asks the dreaded question.

Thanks for visiting My dating year – stage 16.

As always please leave comments and questions below and I’ll endeavour to reply as soon as possible.