Stage 20 – The law of attraction

Welcome to My dating year!

Have you read or heard of the book called: The Secret? If you have and don’t buy its message please don’t stop reading this post because of that. I truly believe the book’s core message has played a key role in my dating challenge, but before I explain its relevance to My dating year, I have provided a short synopsis of the book below for those of you who haven’t heard of it.

Synopsis of The Secret

The Secret is about the law of attraction. The author uses a lot of quotes from the bible, other religious and non religious books to emphasise the belief that most of the things we experience are due to what we called into our lives. In other words the life you live now is based on your past thoughts. The following quote sums up the book:

‘I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavour.’ Henry David Thoreeau.

If you think positively, hope for the best and visualise the outcome you are after regularly, and consciously stay on this wave length of thinking you will see opportunities that will bring what you’ve been visualising to reality. If on the other hand you moan, get depressed and constantly think about how your life isn’t going as you’ve planned it to be, it will continue to go off course.

The law of attraction is most noticeable in the lives of those who have gone through deep adversities. Those who are cheerful and eager to help when their lives on the outside looks as though it’s falling apart and only a miracle can bring it back together. According to the book anyone is able to come out of a really bad situation by staying positive, consciously uplifting their spirit when they feel it’s getting down and constantly visualising the outcome they are after.

The law of attraction - its impact on My dating year

I am a believer of the law of attraction, even though I have difficulty practising it. I also believe that the concept can be very misleading. From the beginning of My dating year I have attracted a lot of things consciously and unconsciously. I strongly believed two things; I would complete the challenge and the chances of me getting into a serious relationship this year is minute. There have been times when I’ve thought and hoped otherwise but for the most part I’ve thought and believed these two things.

In regards to getting dates I thought it would be hard at times and it was, but deep down I believed I could get a lot of guys to go on dates with me. This is not because I’m arrogant or narcissistic. I was just more focused on how I was going to make it happen rather than why it wouldn’t happen. It meant I had to put myself out there and in doing so I drew myself closer to the guys I’ve blogged about. Another thing I knew was in order for me to go on as many dates as I wanted to I had to consider the type of guys I wouldn’t normally, in the process of doing so I have attracted the reality of being single for the majority of 2012 and most likely the whole year.

As I mentioned in my last post I even attracted the type of guy I was after according to my list, through continuous mentions and visualisation of the items on my list. About three weeks ago I went to a friend’s wedding. I was told it was invite only so I wasn’t able to bring a plus one with me. I was really looking forward to the wedding and in my heart I knew I would meet someone and I did. Unlike the guy I talked about in my last post I was attracted to this guy. He didn’t tick vital items on my list but because I was attracted to him physically I didn’t care. I spent some time with this guy and threw a lot of the things that usually matter to me out of the window. My senses returned when the song he was singing in the first week started to change and I realised it was not the beat that I really wanted to dance to so I called it off and learnt a big lesson in the process.

I learnt that not everything that you consider to be good for you when you wished it turns out that way. I’ve always thought weddings are a good place to meet guys and as the guy I met had a suit on, I was even more attracted to him (it’s a wedding that’s what guys wear at such events derrr). I would have preferred not to have met this guy knowing what I know now but I don’t regret getting to know him because I’ve learnt about myself and how quickly I can lose sight of my goal over wishful thinking. This guy clearly wasn’t for me and there were plenty of signs telling me this. A friend of mine who doesn’t usually impose her views on me even sent me a message ordering me not to get involved with this guy because he is so far from what I want. Although I told my friend  I was in control of the situation I was really focusing and hoping his tomorrow would be more in line with what I need from the guy I settle down with.

 I found what I wanted in the guy I blogged about last but I wasn’t physically attracted to him or felt at ease with him, so I decided not to follow my list so rigidly. I then found a guy I was attracted to and deep down hoped he’ll possess the things on my list gradually but his agenda wasn’t in sync with mine, so he had to go. For the first time during this process I am very upset with myself for the silly decisions I made about the guy from the wedding and I’m still trying to shake off the disappointment in myself.

I realised that although the package looks like what I ordered, it doesn’t mean it’s going to operate the way I want it to. This is why I think the law of attraction can be misleading but I wouldn’t say it is flawed. In gaining what we want to attract, we sometimes learn that we don’t always wish for the correct things. Instead of me looking for a partner who has this and that, my focus should really be on how he makes me feel. The Secret does mention that rather than wishing for the things that we think would bring happiness we should instead wish to be happy as those things may bring sadness instead.

There is a Chinese proverb that goes like this: ‘May you get what you wish for’. There are different ways of reading into this proverb but my interpretation is that some of the things that we wish for are not good for us. For a person to curse you by saying ‘may you get what you wish for’, it means they know you are not wise and almost incapable of knowing what’s really good for you. They don’t need to mention the bad things they wish you to experience as they trust you’ll do it all by yourself.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 20.

 

Stage 19 – He ticks everything on my list so why aren’t I into him?

Those of you who follow my blogs or have read blog 16 will know that there are certain features and characteristics that I want in the guy I settle down with.  Throughout my dating process I have kept my list in mind, even though I have learnt a number of things along the way which I believe are much more important than my list.

To reiterate if you haven’t read blog 16, the things I had on my list are: kind, mature, clean, respectful, DIY, very ambitious, tall, between 27-35 years old, well paid and a God fearing man. Right until recently I hadn’t found anyone who ticked everything on the list, not until I met guy B a few weeks ago.

When guy B first approached me I actually thought this is the kind of guy I’m looking for based on his physical appearance. He had a suit on. He was tall and approached me in a respectful way.  He also came across quite down to earth and humble. We arranged a date not long after and went for a meal and saw a play at the West End.

When we sat down for the meal he changed. He became very serious and the playful side that I saw in him when I first met him disappeared. I even mentioned to him that I feel like you’ve turned into a different person all of a sudden and he said it was because he wanted me to see a serious but not office like side to him. I didn’t like that because that’s not who I met.  Throughout the date he did and said all the right things but the more he tried to impress the more turned off I became.

I went to a wedding with him the following day and that went well and I actually liked him more on that day. He helped out throughout the wedding because he was part of the organising team. I didn’t mind that I was on my own most of the time because  he tried when he could to spend some time with me and showed me that he very much wanted to be with me but duty called.

The following day I saw him again and I was back to feeling turned off. I really didn’t understand why, especially as he ticked everything on my list and was doing all he could to show me that he really cared about me. I decided to see him the following day for the fourth consecutive day in hope that I will feel something for him, but like the day before I didn’t and I started avoiding him after that. Whilst I was avoiding him, he was still being a kind gentleman by giving me the space that I had asked for but also tried to involve me in his life by telling me that he is in the process of buying tickets for us to see a comedy show together. As sweet as that may sound, I think it is slightly controlling because he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go to the show or if I was even available. He just dropped it into a conversation that he was buying tickets for us to go to a comedy show. I had to ask who the us was and declined when he said it was me and him.

I have questioned myself over and over again, why am I not into this guy when he has everything on my list and almost desperately wants to be with me. The best answer that I can give myself is that my spirit doesn’t feel happy about him. I don’t understand how you can fall so deeply for someone in such a short time and suffocate the person by making them feel as though they are in a relationship with you within a few days of meeting. What happened to the time spent getting to know each other before deciding to officially be together and no longer date others.

I also felt as though guy B and I spoke different languages because we didn’t understand each other’s sense of humour nor did we really know what motivated each other. In fact there were a lot of things that I just felt could not be ignored before deciding to be with someone that he was whole heartedly ready to ignore because he thought we would be perfect for each other.

I don’t know if it’s because we are 6 years apart in age and I’m just not as mature as him yet to see things as quickly as he did, but what I do know from this experience is that as much as it’s important to have a list my spirit must feel at ease when I’m with the guy I choose to settle down with. I really did try to like guy B for the sake of my list but as I created my list and not the other way round I refuse to let my list have full control of my love life.

Thanks for reading My dating year – stage 19.

Stage 18 – I’m just not that into him

Over the last month I’ve been on dates with 2 very different guys. I went on 2 dates with guy A, who I didn’t really want to go on a date with because I wasn’t really into him but I thought I’d go anyway because he was quite persistent. I had a good time on the date but as I weren’t into him I didn’t try to initiate a second date. He on the other hand did, and again was very persistent, so I met up with him again. This time round I told him that I had been on a lot of dates this year and he wanted to know how he was measuring up with the other guys because he thinks he and I will be great together. I told him the furthest I had gone with any of the guys is a second date and he said: ‘that means I have a good chance’ and I replied with: ‘not necessarily’ and I didn’t give an explanation for saying so, even though he asked for one. As most people do when they are not into a guy/girl I ceased from contacting him after the date, and I also changed my phone days after from Blackberry to an iPhone 4, so a lot of people weren’t able to get through to me on blackberry messenger.

Whilst I was writing my last post he called and I answered cheerfully but he wasn’t as friendly to me. He basically told me off for not behaving the way he wants me to and then tried to get me to reassure him that he and I could have a future together and I refused. I was silent instead and when he realised he wasn’t going to get the response he wanted he hung up. Aside from not being attracted to this guy, his behaviour made me feel even more justified for not contacting him and I hoped that would be the last I heard from him because I didn’t understand why he was pressuring me to behave a certain way and to form a relationship with him when I had only known him for a couple of weeks.

Days after my last encounter with guy A, I sent a message to pretty much everyone who was on my blackberry messenger, who also had WhatsApp, informing them that my blackberry messenger was temporarily out of use but they could get through to me on WhatsApp. He was one of the people who I sent the message to. I did so out of politeness because I really didn’t want him to know that he could get through to me on WhatsApp. Days later he sent me several rude messages on WhatsApp and in one of them he mentioned how laughable it is that I go on dates for free meals. I asked him to send me his bank details so I could pay my half of the meal. He replied with: ‘I don’t want money off you’ and then tried to be nice and insisted that I do one nice thing for him. I refused because I didn’t understand what he was playing at and I thought doing a nice thing for him because he asked me to was only going to defeat the purpose of being nice. Also because of the way he had behaved to date I didn’t want him to think that I had given him the green light for us to start a relationship together by doing that one nice thing.  The WhatsApp conversation continued on until he got the affirmation he needed to think things were back on track and all he had to do was be nice to me and pretend to care about me and he’ll have me right where he wanted me to be.

Before he first called to tell me off, he had called a few times and each time I told him I was busy preparing for a church event and told him when the event will take place. After our last encounter on WhatsApp he messaged me to ask how the church event went and mentioned that he hopes I get a lot of praise for it. That in itself irritated me because everything I do at church is not for what others will say or think of me. I do it because I can and as part of the church community I feel the need to contribute. Irritation aside, I told him that the event hadn’t happened and it will take place the following week. Less than a week later and before the Sunday of the event he sent me another message asking how the event went. I didn’t respond because  I knew he didn’t genuinely care and as the event hadn’t happened it was clear that he didn’t really take in what I had told him and was just pretending to have an interest in what I do. The next day he messaged again stating he can delete my number if I don’t wish to hear from him again. I didn’t respond and thought he would take that as confirmation to delete my number. Unfortunately for me he didn’t and he sent me another insulting message almost a week later.

I personally don’t want to delete his number because if he tries to call me with his number I want to know it’s him calling so I won’t answer. I just hope he gets over the hurt that he is feeling and leaves me alone because he is actually really scaring me and I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong to make him behave in such an abusive way. It is perfectly normal to go on dates with people and then decide you don’t want to see them anymore. Some of my dates haven’t been interested in me after our date but I got the picture and I moved on. Sending rude messages is just childish and it says the person sending the message does not know how to handle his/her emotions.

I’m going to share my very different experience with guy B in my next post, which is due in 2 weeks. As much as I tried to keep my encounter with guy A brief it has taken too many words and I don’t want those of you who don’t like reading long blogs to be turned off, so please check out my next post to read about my experience with guy B.

Thanks for reading My dating year – Stage 18