Stage 17 - Love & Lust

Love & Lust

Before I begin my entry this week, I want to look at the definition of the following words: lust & love.

Lust

Oxford dictionary: ‘strong sexual desire’.

Urban dictionary: ‘often confused with love, it is purely physical attraction and has no lasting effect.’

Love

Oxford dictionary: ‘a strong feeling of affection’.

Urban dictionary: ‘the most spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.’

We are now 33 weeks into this year and I’m now starting to see certain things about dating and relationships. I’ve always believed that the best way to start a relationship is to have strong feelings for the person you are entering the relationship with and there should be butterflies in your stomach and you should always be filled with glee when you think about the other person. I was quite young when this idea entered my head. From what I remember I got it mainly from the media. Films, music videos, books, adverts and I always assumed that most relationships started this way. To be honest I didn’t think much about what it took to keep the romance going in a relationship and I didn’t realise until the past few years that romance and love are choices that people who experience it make. They are not God given rights. It doesn’t just happen automatically like lust. It takes time and conscious effort.

In the past few months I’ve listened to several videos and read a number of books and blogs, which I believe have really opened my eyes and heart to what love is. The verb ‘give’ in essence is the main signifier of love. When I first heard someone talking about how love is not about what you get from the other person, and those in relationships for what it offers them are simply in a contract and they’ve agreed with their spouse to do something in return for something else and are simply fulfilling the terms of the contract and not in love; I realised for the first time that my internal definition of love has been wrong all these years. Love is not selfish or self gratifying. I literally had a light bulb moment. It’s not that I haven’t come across this new definition of love (new to my spirit) before because I have. I listened to Destiny Child’s song, outro (thank you), where Michelle explains the characteristics of love. At the time, I didn’t see love as something I had control over. I thought it just happened naturally. I didn’t realise that I have to actively show love. I thought whoever I end up with will just love me for me without me making much effort.  

I think I’ve subconsciously subscribed to the love at first sight theory without realising it, because whenever I go on a date with a guy I never focus on what I should really be looking for in a potential life partner. I always hope to meet the guy and really like him to the point that I’d want to think about him all the time. Not until after watching the vlog: Dating and courtship - do you understand the real purpose of dating? did I realise what I should have been asking myself whilst dating.  This whole time I’ve been focused on my list which was more concerned with my wants. Not once did I ask myself whether I have or could develop genuine admiration and respect for any of these guys. Even the ones I liked, looking back now I can’t say I admired them. I was just on an emotional high (lust) and once the high cleared off I didn’t really have the respect that I have for some of my male friends for these guys. If things had gone my way whilst I was on an emotional high I would have probably found myself in a relationship and months later realised that I don’t even like the guy because I don’t admire who he is and how he chooses to live his life. Not to talk of wanting to love him. 

As much as that vlog has revolutionised my thinking of what to look for in a potential partner I can’t say that I will be giving up my list just yet. I now subscribe to the definition of love being about giving and it’s a choice that people make. But before I can give my all to a guy and choose to love him whole heartedly and unconditionally, I still need him to meet a certain standard. I’m not saying that if over time he loses some of the attributes on my list I will stop loving him, I’m just saying to begin with I need him to have certain qualities that I believe will make me respect him before developing long lasting respect and admiration for him. This is not to say that I don’t respect guys who don’t meet my criteria. I will have the type of life that I want by meeting a guy who meets my criteria and when we make a choice in life we take a number things into consideration and don’t blindly decide to do things and then deal with the consequences. My criteria is one of the things I will consider before choosing to love a guy. I may compromise on some things but not on some. For example I want a guy who is ambitious. Not completely for my sake but for his too. When you are ambitious you see possibilities and you ooze positivity, more so than those who lack ambition and people who have a positive approach to life tend to have happier lives. 

I realise that this love that I’m talking about is not going to be a walk in the park to fulfil but if I diligently focus on finding a guy who meets my criteria and is highly respectable and admirable in my eyes I’m sure I could develop love for him over time, even if I don’t have the intense rush of emotions at the start. The definitions of love above don’t mention attraction as a component to love. They mentioned affection and euphoric feeling but neither of these words translates to attraction.

Readers do you agree with my new understanding of love or do you think this way of thinking is unrealistic and if attraction is not there from the start it may never come? Should love be about attraction?

Thanks for reading My dating year – Stage 17.

Stage 16

Rational or irrational?

I would like to start this entry by saying: it feels so nice not to have to go on so many dates anymore!!!!!!   Going on dates is also more enjoyable now. I went on a date over a week ago with a guy I met whilst walking home from a friend’s graduation party. We didn’t really do anything exciting but it was a nice date. We just grabbed a bite from a kebab shop, went to a very nice bar after and then he let me drive his Mercedes.  We also conveniently went to Asda, where I bought packs of bottled water before he dropped me home. Even though my past dates haven’t been terrifying I felt very relaxed on this date. Everything seemed to have happened naturally. I didn’t have to initiate the date as I did in the past or purposely influence him to ask me on a date by showing a little more interest than I actually had in him; nor did I say or do the things I knew he liked more for a desired effect.

I can’t say I was mesmerized by him when he stopped me. I even gave him the name I give to guys that I have no interest in when he asked for my name. I was ready to give him the second line: ‘I have a boyfriend’ too but decided against doing so after hearing him speak. He spoke and came across quite well. Since our date we’ve stayed in touch and he is making the effort to gain something out of meeting me. I’m just not sure what and I don’t see us going any further than just being friends.  This is where I pause to ask myself why? In my phone I have a picture of written words, stating: ‘I’M SINGLE UNTIL I FIND MY KIND, MATURE, CLEAN, RESPECTFUL, DIY, VERY AMBITIOUS, TALL, BETWEEN 27-35YR OLD, WELL PAID, GOD FEARING MAN’. From what I know about this guy I don’t think he is far from this description but yet I’m not convinced I can have a relationship with him.

Relationship Matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson would probably describe my idea of my perfect guy, based on what I’ve highlighted in the picture as somewhere between the shopping and investment mentality. He describes the shopping mentality as a focus on characteristics and the utility benefits of having a partner in one’s life. For example I want the guy who I plan to get with to be able to fix things around my house. The investment mentality on the other hand is to look at a potential partner’s values, their vision and to consider if they are in line with one’s own values and vision; does the person bring out the best in you and do they speak the same love language as you?  I believe my list is very much value focused, so much so that when I received: ‘I was gonna come pass yours and chill for a bit but if you are too busy another time’ from this new guy, I lowered my eyebrows because I don’t think it’s respectful to suggest coming to my home when we’ve only met up once.

Since I started this challenge in January I didn’t until now think properly about the next stage after dating. It’s almost as if I’ve been in this bubble, where I expect guys to treat me as a princess by taking me out to nice places and looking their best and saying all the right things and never ever looking at me as a piece of meat. I hate when guys look at me like that. Looking back on all my dates, I’ve not once thought of inviting a guy back home with me and whenever guys have asked or merely insinuated that they want to come to my house I’ve either been real irritated and figured out a way to get out of letting the guy into my home or I’ve been really defensive. I even had a full on argument with one guy on WhatsApp over this. I didn’t realise then that it isn’t irrational for a guy to expect to come to my house when he knows I have my own place. I just thought the guy I argued with was a dirty prick and I didn’t understand why he would think it’s ok to suggest coming back to my house after a date.

Now that this new guy has sent me that message, I find myself looking for a way to avoid ever inviting him to my house. On my way back from work sometime this week it dawned on me that there might be something wrong with me. I automatically assume that guys want sex when they ask if they can come to my house. Even though I may be wrong in thinking so, there are so many reasons why I may also be right. According to Steve Harvey, author of Act like a lady, think like a man, men are always calculating whether they can afford a lady, even before they step to her. They go as far as assessing the cost of transportation and every other cost they may incur in order to have sex with her. If they feel the cost of attaining sex from one particular lady is too much, they won’t bother. They’ll find another lady who they can sleep with more easily without having to dig into their savings.  As I have my own place, I can’t help but think some guys will try to exploit me for this reason. It’s cheaper for them to come to my house and chill than take me out as frequently as I would like to go out. I’m especially irritated when they ask right from the get go if I live with my parents or alone.  

When the guys I’ve been on dates with this year have asked to come to my house I’ve nearly always demonised them in my head.  I’ve been single for a while now and the last time I was in a relationship I was 20 years old. I thought differently to how I think now. I’ve experienced things and seen things which have made me less naive in some regards.  I feel like I now have a much better understanding of what it means to be in a relationship and I feel like when I get into one I’m going to give a lot more than I did in the past. So the idea of bringing a guy who I don’t see a future with into my house scares me and almost makes me short of breath. I almost feel like I’m putting my life on the line if I invite such a guy into my home.

Time will tell if I will react the same way when a guy who I’m very interested in asks the dreaded question.

Thanks for visiting My dating year – stage 16.

As always please leave comments and questions below and I’ll endeavour to reply as soon as possible.