Change of direction!

My dating year

Change of direction!

If you read my last blog you may be curious to find out what the new era that I mentioned is all about. If you didn’t keep reading you may take away something that you didn’t expect to find and besides you are already on my page so you might as well continue reading.

The big reason for the change as I mentioned is that I’m tired of just dating to blog and I want to meet someone. I want a relationship. I want to build a future with someone. I want to be someone’s reason for getting up when most things seem bleak. I want someone who will make me want to rush home after work to cook him something nice and present the food in the most immaculate way I can think of. He probably won’t care how presentable the food looks but I want to go out of my way because the guy motivates me to be my best and in being my best I have to give him the best I can.

I certainly hope that some of my readers got something out of my blogs and what I now call the old era; whether it’s educational or entertaining. It definitely made my day to hear 2 separate guys who don’t know each other say they are learning from my blogs. I can tick one of my core reasons for starting My dating year. Thanks guys for voicing the appreciation. You know who you are.

Aside from wanting to meet someone, I got to a point of frustration with this challenge and blogging. I didn’t feel I was really giving my readers as much as I promised I was going to give in terms of opening up about how I feel about each situation. There’s only so much you can learn about a person from a first date. As that’s all I was going on and the occasional second dates I didn’t really feel I was experiencing enough to help others who aren’t as experienced when it comes to dating. I was finding out important things about most of the guys after the dates but I didn’t report these details because I didn’t initially want to focus on the aftermaths of my dates. I don’t think it’s right that I have kept you readers out of the loop as some of you might have gained more from the after events than the actual dates. The format of my blog didn’t allow me to provide continuous updates, sorry.

I felt like my blog was losing purpose. I had gone on enough first dates for anyone who is completely new to dating to learn from, especially guys. I communicated my frustration to a few friends and stumbled upon a very useful blog site called: Hooking Up Smart  out of boredom and decided to change the direction of my challenge after being inspired by some of the blogs I read on the site. I am redefining what My dating year means and making it more purposeful and even if you, readers of my blog site, don’t gain from the change I will at least walk away with a degree in “datingology”. It may not be a certified degree but I will certainly have the knowledge to hold on to.

In this process of change I have started evaluating myself and thankfully I have some people around me who aren’t afraid to tell me the truth about some of my not so attractive qualities, which can turn some guys off. I will use the next couple of blogs to explore some of these qualities that I’m working on changing and I will also examine some of the characteristics that men don’t like about women and vice versa. I have bought some books and already done one poll and watched some videos on dating and relationships in order to learn more and bag myself the kind of man who is really for me, based on who I am and what I want out of life.

From now on I will blog about the process of finding someone special. I will still go on dates and talk about the dates but not so much in isolation. I will compare some of the guys and only go on dates with guys that I can see myself with and not just say yes or initiate dates with guys who I have no interest in as I did in the previous era. There may be weeks where I won’t go on dates but I will still put myself out there and write about how the search is coming along and the new theories and ideas that I have decided to subscribe to and how I’m finding them. If I’m lucky enough to find a guy who I’m really interested in and vice versa and decide to see him only I will continue to blog about the relationship until the end of 2012. Realistically speaking I don’t think I’ll be finding a guy to settle down with any time soon because I don’t think I have fully transitioned from the shopping to the investment mentality when it comes to dating as Paul Carrick Brunson, a relationship matchmaker puts it. I will exemplify this theory in my next entry.

The plan is to keep the same format as the last era, so I will continue to post new entries every two weeks but my next entry will be next week as it’s the second week after date 15. Instead of titling the blogs as “date...” they will now begin as “stage...(following from the last number I had” so the next entry will be titled: “stage 16” as I believe I’m on a journey. My idea of dating is about to change.  

I carried out a poll called: ‘How I met my partner’; which 57 people filled in, 57.4% of whom were in a relationship and the other 42.6% were single. I found out that when it comes to meeting someone to have a committed relationship with most people in a relationship tend to meet their partners at family/friends parties/gathering. Even the single people who actively go out to find a partner voted family/friends parties/gathering joint first with church as the place where they go to to find a potential partner. Interestingly online dating site and school/college/university were voted joint second place as the location where those in relationships found their partners and professional events was voted second by the singletons.

I did this survey so I can increase my chances of finding a partner by simply going to the same places where those in relationships said they attended to find their partners. As they say, there’s no point in reinventing the wheel. I may not meet the guy I’ll settle down with in the top voted places but I am willing to give it a try by attending more family and friends events. I’m not happy that online dating was voted quite highly because I’ve already done that and got the t-shirt and it’s not my preferred method but I’ll give it another try. I gained some insightful information which I will refer to over the course of this journey.

I want to apologise for not going on a second date with Curtis before changing direction. I have not ruled out a second date with him but because it’s been so long since our last date I don’t think either of us feel anything for each other so if I go on a second date with him it will be more to honour the vote that some of you made.

I hope you all follow me in this new journey and I hope it’s more useful than the previous era. Please leave me a comment below to let me know of your thoughts on my change of direction.

Thanks for reading My dating year – Change of direction!

Date 15 – Isaiah

Welcome to date 15 of 26

Guy Profile

Name: Isaiah
Age: 23
Height: 6.0
Occupation: Regional Trainer

How I met Isaiah

I met Isaiah through the same friend who introduced me to X (new readers please refer to date 4 to read about my encounter with X). When my friend first told me that he had another friend who was interested in going on a date with me, I think I said: ‘I’m not really interested in your loserish friends, kmt’.

His response: ‘this friend is of a different level to you’.

My response: ‘what do you mean, a higher level or a lower level?’

His response: ‘A higher level of course.’

I was so offended. If I was a cartoon character you would see steams coming out of my ears. I tried to let the comment slide and not be affected by it and luckily for him the comment didn’t affect our friendship.

Weeks later I was in need of a date and I spoke to this same friend about my need. Whilst speaking, he called the friend of his that he claims to be on a different level to me but unluckily for me he was out of town. At this point I wasn’t really fazed by my friend’s comment, I just needed a date and I was more than happy to go on a date with the friend had he not been out of town. A week or more later I met Isaiah and my friend asked me what I thought of him. I responded with: ‘he’s alright’. What I really meant was: ‘I think I like what I see and yeah I would like to go on a date with him’. I didn’t want my friend to know that I felt that way because how dare he tell me that his friend is of a higher level than me, smh (shaking my head - to those of you who aren’t familiar with the abbreviation), kmt.

Another couple of weeks went by and I saw Isaiah again. This time I didn’t really pay much attention to him and I felt myself coming across as unfriendly because of that. For some reason the picture of me being unfriendly kept playing over in my head, so I asked my friend to apologise to him on my behalf for not being friendly. The feedback was: he wasn’t offended and he said it’s cool. The following day my friend sent me Isaiah’s number so I could arrange a date with him. I whatsApped him that very day but we didn’t arrange the date until about a week later.

The date

At 21:00 on a Saturday Isaiah whatsApped me to let me know that he was outside my house. I was impressed because I told him to pick me up at 21:00 and not to be late. I on the other hand wasn’t ready so I asked him to give me 10 minutes. About 15 minutes later we got in his car and he drove to the West End so we could find a restaurant to eat in. I insisted that we should go to Vapiano because the food is nice there. I wasn’t quite sure how to get there because I had only been there once before and my sense of direction is not usually very good. Although he was hesitant about us going to a place that neither of us knew how to get to I was able to convince him to trust my instinct and we got there without taking a wrong turn. Tap on my shoulder!

I recommended Carbonara to Isaiah and was going to get the same thing as I had that the last time I was at Vapiano but he said I shouldn’t, I should try something else so I got Scampi instead. Whilst eating and laughing etc I found myself mimicking his body language. I immediately tried to get myself out of the trance I was in because I personally think that is just too much of an indication that I like him. Don’t get me wrong – I want him to know that I like him but mimicking him shows that I really really like him. I don’t think he caught on though. At least I hope he didn’t.

After our meal we went to Tower Bridge because I mentioned that we should head that direction for a really nice bar called Abbey. Like Vapiano, I know where Abbey is, I have the image in my head but I don’t know how to get there. I forgot to tell Isaiah this before we got to Tower Bridge, so he just ended up parking on a side road so we could go to a place that we saw whilst coming off the bridge. When we got there the set-up by the entrance was the same as a club and we were told it’s £10 to get in. I was a bit confused so I asked one of the guys at the door if it was a bar or a club and he said it’s a club. I was ready to walk back out, but because Isaiah didn’t want to go back in the rain he said we should just go in so I paid for both of us.

When we got upstairs it was clearly a club but not just any club, it was one for middle age people. They were very welcoming and very willing to mingle but the music weren’t to our taste and it was far from what we had in mind. Isaiah bought us drinks so we could drink and talk but the music was just too loud for us to have a conversation. To make things more interesting Isaiah suggested that we should go to the bar and order drinks that we didn’t recognise. We ordered a drink that we weren’t sure whether to drink as a shot or a regular drink. Then Isaiah asked the bar man to be creative and make us something of his choice. He did but Isaiah didn’t like it. I thought it was ok. We went back down to where we previously sat and the alcohol started kicking in for me and I started behaving like someone who had had one too many. I tried to convince Isaiah to get up and dance with me but instead he said I sounded drunk and he was going to take me home. He got up to use the loo before we left. By the time he got back I was dancing with a lady who asked me to dance with her. He must have thought this girl is a nutter. As soon as I saw him I said goodbye to my dancing partner and he dropped me home. I got home at 2am.

I think the date was fun and even though it rained a lot I wouldn’t change anything about it.

That’s it for date 15 and an end to this era of just going on dates just so I can blog about them. I want someone special in my life now so make sure you check out my blog next weekend to find out what the new era is all about.

I want to thank all my loyal readers for your continuous interest in my challenge and thank you to everyone who’ve read my blog. I’m very happy with the 4,228 pageviews that I’ve had to date.

Thanks for reading My dating year – date 15.

Date 14 – Lazaro

Welcome to date 14 of 26

Guy Profile

Name: Lazaro

Age: 29
Height: 5.11
Occupation: Online Service team leader

How I met Lazaro

I met Lazaro on Plenty of fish.com (pof). He sent me what I thought was a sweet and sincere message. I had to reply. His response again was sincere, proving his first initial message wasn’t just a bait. We sent each other messages over a few weeks on the site before Lazaro sent me his number and asked me to drop him a line when I have the time. I sent him a text some days after and we texted each other every so often until we decided to meet up. As we work quite close to each other and in central London he suggested we should meet at Covent Garden station at 6.10pm on a Friday evening for coffee.

The date

I got to Covent Garden station quite early because I wanted to buy something from Marks & Spencer (M&S). I didn’t realise M&S was so close to the station so I was done within 5 minutes and had to wait in front of the station for about 25 minutes. At 6pm I received a message from Lazaro saying: ‘I actually made it a bit early and I’m here’. I looked around and I couldn’t see him so I sent him a message asking where and he responded with: ‘In front of you... on the other side of the road’. For some reason I felt like I was in a scary movie and someone was after me so I was a little scared. I nervously looked ahead of me and I found him and walked over to greet him.

The first thing he said to me was: ‘you don’t have three hands, why are you on pof? I have my own reason for being on there but you look perfectly normal.’ Although he was trying to be nice, that comment made me slightly worried. A part of me was dreading what he was going to say his reason was for joining pof because if the reason was really off putting I wouldn’t feel comfortable to continue and I would have to think of a very good reason to end the date. When we found a restaurant to eat in, he told me that he is on the site because he is a shy person. That was surprising to hear because he didn’t come across that way to me prior to the date and on the date, so a part of me did wonder if that was the real reason why he joined the site.

Whilst we were in the restaurant, Lazaro told me some really interesting things about himself and he seemed really smart and full of life. After our meal, we walked to Southbank but we didn’t stay for long because I wanted to end the date for no particular reason. I think he picked up on it too because he politely walked me to the bus stop.

He seemed like a really nice guy and I love the way he sees certain things. As he is also a photographer, who loves taking pictures and attending exhibitions his way of viewing everyday things and people is so different and refreshing. I wish a lot more people could see the world the way he does. He makes what most people would consider as insignificant or uncomfortable appear significant and comfortable.

He also had a slightly vulnerable but cute side to him which alone makes me feel I should treat him with utmost respect and courtesy. He said things like I tried not to send you too many messages because I didn’t want you to feel pestered. Interestingly prior to our date, some days beforehand he had sent me a message asking me how my day was and if I had done anything exciting. I mentioned that I had gone to church and bought some items for my car and I didn’t hear back from him for some days, so I jumped to the conclusion that he didn’t respond because I mentioned that I’m a Christian. I was disappointed that he would discriminate against me for that reason and I spoke to some friends about it and one of them suggested that I should text him. I quickly responded with: ‘no way, if he is going to stop talking to me because of my faith then he is not worth my time’. The curious side of me wanted to know if he did stop talking to me for that reason so I sent him a text, asking how his week had gone and to my surprise he responded and asked if I had any plans for the weekend and that’s when we made plans to meet up.

This experience has taught me that it’s not good to jump into conclusions and act stubborn when dating because such attitudes can cause you to ruin the chance of meeting amazing people. Had I not text Lazaro I may not have met up with him and even if he had tried to get in touch, I probably would have read his messages the wrong way and found unintended meanings in them because I believed at the time that he had a problem with my faith.

To conclude, I’m happy that I met up with Lazaro but I don’t fancy him so there wouldn’t be a second date. I would love to be his friend if he is happy to be friends with me because I love his outlook on the world and his intelligence.

That’s it for date 14.

Thanks for reading My dating year – date 14.